I “get” high fashion. Of course I do. Have you seen my closet? It is a veritable cornucopia of the latest styles from, um, well, I’ve got pants and shirts. Hey, I’ve got several wrap dresses, those are classic and they just had a birthday yesterday. Thanks Diane von Furstenberg for creating a delightful and classic silhouette.
Okay, so I don’t “get” high fashion, and more than likely I will never be able to afford it BUT, if I ever could, I cannot IMAGINE subjecting my feet to the hell that is some of these shoes that premiered recently at Fashion Week.
These “Nuts and Bolts” shoes that are a part of the Miu Miu Fall 2014 collection almost defy logic. So many questions. I am not opposed to the mixing of the soft and feminine shoe design and material with something industrial like bolts. I like that idea. I just hate these shoes. So much. I know I would bust my ass wearing them, but even if I COULD walk upright in them, I don’t think I would want to. I just don’t like them.
Okay, these I could work as part of a steampunk Tinkerbell or something because I love me some dressup, but other than that, aside from Rihanna, Tilda Swinton, Katy Perry, or Lady GaGa being able to knock these out of the park, I don’t know why these exist.
FINALLY, I have been looking for a stylish, well maybe not stylish, but definitely overpriced, way to show off how much my feet sweat. THANK YOU MIU MIU.
These are from the Saint Laurent Fall 2014 collection and I have no idea how much they cost but I imagine it’s more than I make in several months. These are “what the hell”because I love them and I shall never have them. Life, so unfair. Not only would I wear these in my upcoming yet-to-be-written Star Wars musical and cast myself in the role of a ballsy Ethel Merman style singing C-3PO, I would wear these with my beloved sweatshirt material skirt that has become my weekend uniform because it’s a skirt, dressier than pajama pants, so therefore I am always the most well-dressed person in the Wal-Mart, and these are PERFECT, because they would cover up most of my more than likely unshaven leg. *FABULOUS, aisle 6, next to the Reese’s and condoms* (So wishfully thinking here. I have no need for condoms, yet always need Reese’s).
Saint Laurent is right in my wheelhouse with this collection. It’s like they took a peek inside my head and created shoes and boots that I would covet and forever pine for, but alas, never be able to own. Damn you, Saint Laurent.
When I was a kid, I took dance lessons. Dancing was not my thing. I liked the costumes and the fact that my dad took me out for hot fudge cakes after my class (a tradition I find hilariously adorable), but I did not like the actual, you know, dancing. My sister took dance lessons too and she was an amazing dancer. I LOVED her dance shoes, and these very much look like character shoes that she wore when she was doing some saucy modern dance number (turns out I don’t know anything about dance terminology either). Trust me, these shoes hit me in a place deep down in my soul. I would wear these in my off off off off Broadway production of, A Cabaret Chorus Line in Chicago That Can’t Pay the Rent, an amalgamation of my favorite musicals, and I think it’s not unrealistic to say that I would turn in an off off off Broadway award-winning performance. Let’s call the awards the Gilda’s, because I’m a big fan of Gilda Radner and the movie starring Rita Hayworth, and why the hell not, this is my blog. Picture it, black tights, black long slouchy shirt perfectly falling off one shoulder, red lipstick, these shoes, the music, the mirror, and me, doing some version of the Carlton dance with extra finger snaps, and less show-boating and splits and stuff, because really, I told you guys I’m a bad dancer, BUT, I look fantastic trying. YES I DO.
*shoe pictures courtesy of the fantastic website http://www.tomandlorenzo.com.