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What the Hell? Designer Shoe Edition

14 Mar

I “get” high fashion. Of course I do. Have you seen my closet? It is a veritable cornucopia of the latest styles from, um, well, I’ve got pants and shirts. Hey,  I’ve got several wrap dresses, those are classic and they just had a birthday yesterday.  Thanks Diane von Furstenberg for creating a delightful and classic silhouette.

dvf

Okay, so I don’t “get” high fashion, and more than likely I will never be able to afford it BUT, if I ever could, I cannot IMAGINE subjecting my feet to the hell that is some of these shoes that premiered recently at Fashion Week.

bolt shoesThese “Nuts and Bolts” shoes that are a part of the  Miu Miu Fall 2014 collection almost defy logic. So many questions. I am not opposed to the mixing of the soft and feminine shoe design and material with something industrial like bolts. I like that idea. I just hate these shoes. So much. I know I would bust my ass wearing them, but even if I COULD walk upright in them, I don’t think I would want to. I just don’t like them.

greenboot bolt shoes

Okay, these I could work as part of a steampunk Tinkerbell or something because I love me some dressup, but other than that, aside from Rihanna, Tilda Swinton, Katy Perry, or Lady GaGa being able to knock these out of the park,  I don’t know why these exist.

clear boot bolt shoes

 

FINALLY, I have been looking for a stylish, well maybe not stylish, but definitely overpriced, way to show off how much my feet sweat. THANK YOU MIU MIU.

 

These are from the Saint Laurent Fall 2014 collection and I have no idea how much they cost but I imagine it’s more than I make in several months. These are “what the hell”because I love them and I shall never have them. Life, so unfair.  Not only would I wear these in mgold bootsy upcoming yet-to-be-written Star Wars musical and cast myself in the role of a ballsy Ethel Merman style singing C-3PO, I would wear these with my beloved sweatshirt material skirt that has become my weekend uniform because it’s a skirt, dressier than pajama pants, so therefore I am always the most well-dressed person in the Wal-Mart, and these are PERFECT, because they would cover up most of my more than likely unshaven leg.  *FABULOUS, aisle 6, next to the Reese’s and condoms* (So wishfully thinking here. I have no need for condoms, yet always need Reese’s).

 

Saint Laurent is right in my wheelhouse with this collection. It’s like they took a peek inside my head and created shoes and boots that I would covet and forever pine for, but alas, never be able to own. Damn you, Saint Laurent.

When I was a kid, I took dance lessons. Dancing was not my thing. I liked the costumes and the fact that my dad took me out for hot fudge shoescakes after my class (a tradition I find hilariously adorable), but I did not like the actual, you know, dancing.  My sister took dance lessons too and she was an amazing dancer. I LOVED her dance shoes, and these very much look like character shoes that she wore when she was doing some saucy modern dance number (turns out I don’t know anything about dance terminology either). Trust me, these shoes hit me in a place deep down in my soul. I would wear these in my off off off off Broadway production of, A Cabaret Chorus Line in Chicago That Can’t Pay the Rent, an amalgamation of my favorite musicals, and I think it’s not unrealistic to say that I would turn in an off off off Broadway  award-winning performance. Let’s call the awards the Gilda’s, because I’m a big fan of Gilda Radner and the movie starring Rita Hayworth, and why the hell not, this is my blog.   Picture it, black tights, black long slouchy shirt perfectly falling off one shoulder, red lipstick, these shoes, the music, the mirror, and me, doing some version of the Carlton dance with extra finger snaps,  and less show-boating and splits and stuff, because really, I told you guys I’m a bad dancer, BUT, I look fantastic trying. YES I DO.

 

*shoe pictures courtesy of the fantastic website http://www.tomandlorenzo.com.

Your Long Wait is Over, My Friends

31 Jul

I can only imagine the sleepless nights so many of you have spent wondering if I ever did find a dress to wear to my niece’s wedding in Las Vegas next week, or if I am going to be wearing a pair of bedazzled overalls. For those of you who maybe don’t read my blog regularly, or who suffer from short-term memory loss, here is a link to the post I am referring to.

Well, my friends, tonight you can sleep. I ordered a dress  and it arrived today, just in time for the wedding next Thursday, because I am nothing if not a totally irresponsible procrastinator. LUCKILY, it is fabulous and I am so glad I made the choice I did. Here is a picture

wrap dress

It’s the “Whimsy Wrap Dress” by Kiyonna and it is LOVELY. I love the shoes pictured also, but the ones I will be wearing are purple. It might seem a bit odd to wear purple and black to a wedding, but my niece’s signature colors (shout out to Steel Magnolias) are lilac and violet, or lavender and amethyst. She likes purple, so we are all either wearing purple or accenting with purple. The black is because it is an evening wedding and it’s VEGAS, BABY.

I did find a purple dress that I liked, but when I mentioned to my mom that I didn’t think I would wear it again, she told me that maybe my other niece would be getting married in a few years. I then had the vision of being known as “that crazy aunt who always wears that one purple dress to family weddings” and I just couldn’t do it.  I am sure I’m already known as the “crazy aunt who left a turkey in the trunk of her car for weeks” or the “crazy aunt who threw a pancake at her dad”, I just didn’t want to push it with the purple dress.

Something I found interesting about my last post about looking for a dress is the reaction it received. That post was re-blogged twice and got quite a few likes and comments, all of which I appreciate greatly. I was actually so surprised that it got the attention that it did that I went back and read it again to see what all the fuss was about. From what I can gather, it’s odd for a woman to write about finding a dress in her size, a size that is actually pretty prevalent in the United States, rather than writing about lamenting the fact that she is looking for a dress in that size.

I freely admit that I am comfortable in my skin. Hell, that phrase is in my online dating profile.  In all reality, I probably shouldn’t be. I grew up playing with Barbie dolls, for far FAR longer than I should have. I just never remember looking at her and thinking that I was “less than” because I was “more than” (I’m hilarious). I can imagine my mom is a big reason why I grew up feeling pretty secure. My whole family, actually.

Of course, I do remember things that were not so good at building my confidence. In elementary school I remember a kid who called me a whale at the bus stop. I hit that kid over the head with my trapper keeper and knocked him on his ass. I also remember being called “the queen of whales” when I was in my early 20’s by some douchey frat boy. Sadly, I did not have my trapper keeper with me in the bar, so I just walked away from him. One of my biggest regrets is that I did not throw a drink on him.  I just now realized writing this out that they both called me a whale.  Points for creativity, mean boys.

Once, years ago, I remember being at a pool party for one of my nieces’ graduation (sorry, cannot remember which one) and seeing a woman wearing a yellow bikini. Not so odd, in itself, but the woman was pretty large. Her body would not have been deemed “bikini ready” by whoever is on staff at People magazine who makes such proclamations, yet, there she was, rocking the hell out of that bikini. People were looking at her and whispering, pretty loudly, about her, but she did not seem to notice. I have no idea what made that woman say to hell with the people who would talk about her, and stare at her, but I remember thinking that I knew women half her size who were not that comfortable with their bodies. I wanted to hug her, but I ended up just creepily smiling at her all day.

I know body acceptance is all over the place right now. I see a lot of things like “real women have curves” and yes, we do. Real women ALSO don’t have curves, or are medium-sized, or are short or tall, and everything in between. There is no perfect body type that we must each fit in to be considered “real women”. I get the logic behind the saying, it just harkens back to the thought that in order to make ourselves feel good, we need to drag others down, and no, we don’t.

I would like to say that I didn’t hold on to the bad things, but here I am recalling them some many years later. The thing is, I have learned that other people do not define me or get to tell me what I should think of myself. I get to do that, and I define myself as pretty awesome. You all should too.

 

super great

 

Cross Your Fingers Because I am Not Above Breaking out the Bedazzler

24 Jun

I am a plus-sized woman. Before I was a plus-sized woman, I was a plus-sized girl, and before that, I was a plus-sized baby.  I did a tweet once that said “I wear the same size clothes now as before I had my children. Probably the best thing about having always been fat”. As I’ve written before, I’m fine with the word fat. I claimed that sucker AGES ago. It is not hurtful to me. I occasionally still hear “you are not fat, you are beautiful” to which I answer, “BITCH, I’m both”, more or less depending on who it is. I know it’s not meant as an insult, it’s just sometimes very difficult for some people to see the two as not mutually exclusive, and that’s fine. I’m not out to change the world, I am who I am, someone who is comfortable in her own skin (and perhaps someone with an over-inflated sense of self…but that’s for another blog).

This is not about my delusional self-image or the fact that sometimes I call people “bitch” when they are just trying to be complimentary. This is far more important than that. This is about clothes, and how now that I am a larger woman of a “certain age” that there are hardly ANY that appeal to me.

I truly think that no matter your body style, age, or stature in life, that you should wear whatever the hell you want to wear that makes you feel good and/or is comfortable. As a plus-size 43-year-old woman who is currently shopping for a cocktail dress to wear to her niece’s wedding in August, I am finding my options are –

  1. sack
  2. sack with bolero jacket
  3. sequin sack
  4. sequin sack with bolero jacket
  5. lace sack

There are a few other choices, but since I have been in this body for a long time, I know what I feel comfortable in and what I like and I would simply not feel pretty or be comfortable in something without sleeves, or straps, or in something with cap sleeves. I have a waist and would like something with waist definition. I realize I also might have some odd ideas about what I look good in, so I have looked to some style contemporaries for guidance.

Adele

adele…what the ever-loving hell is THIS? Plus-sized gals are told that black is slimming. This does NOT mean, however, to put on every item of black clothing you own and call it a day.

melissamccarthyHow about dressy looks for Melissa McCarthy? I love her. She’s so funny and…dammit Melissa no. Granted, this has a waist, and sleeves, but everything else about it is terrible and that color washes her completely out. I hope she felt good in this but it is not doing anything for me.

Just like other disasters in my lifetime,  I remember exactly where I was when I saw her in this dress at the Oscars in 2012. I gasped, and not in a good way. Earlier this year, I saw the Bravo show, Dukes of Melrose that featured stylist and vintage clothes guru Cameron Silver and his quest to find something for her to wear to the ceremony. Granted, he didn’t have much time at all, which made it worse, but the options were this and a hefty bag with a spangly belt.

This dress, that Melissa wore to the Critics Choice Movie Awards in 2012, is much more my style and I love it. I think it may be a little much for a wedding, though.  Even in Las Vegas.

17th Annual Critics Choice Movie Awards - Arrivals

 

 

 

 

 

While searching, I am seeing a lot of peplums, both in designs for plus-sizes and misses sizes. I can’t think peplum without thinking I would look like this

fantasia

 

 

 

 

BUT, another of my favorite actresses who rocks her figure is Octavia Spencer and I found a picture of her wearing a dress with a peplum and she looks NOTHING like the hippo from Fantasia pictured above.

 

peplum

Adorable. She is wearing Tadashi Shoji, a designer she wears often SO…light bulb moment, buy something from his collection! I am so brilliant, right? Okay, here we go, gorgeous, not too crazy expensive, wait, not in my size. Okay, moving on to another. Not in my size. Moving on…NOT IN MY SIZE. Okay, here is one in my size, it’s very matronly and is about $400 out of my price range and has no sleeves. Most of these do not have sleeves, and in fact, a version of the dress Octavia is wearing above does not have sleeves, so fine, I guess when you’re an Oscar-winning actress you can tell the designer to modify dresses for you. Must be NICE (seriously, that must be really nice).

After much searching and aggravation, I stumbled upon a couple of dresses that I really think I love and that will look good on me. Of course, they are at a store that is not in my town BUT, I will travel to my sister’s house in the town where the store is located, go to the store, try them on, THEN, order the one I like the best on eBay, because although I am a fashionista, I am a broke one, and I have found them BOTH on eBay.

These are the two main contenders that I was SO excited to find. I was not so excited to read that lace dresses were just everywhere and would be totally OUT soon, to which I say “I DON’T CARE THESE ARE MY ONLY OPTIONS AND I LOVE THEM”.

 

dress2dress1

When I was a little plus-sized girl, I had a pair of overalls that were blinged out with crystals and rainbow patches. They were every bit as amazing as you may think and I wore them all the time. If these dresses don’t work out, I am sure my niece would be okay with me bedazzling some overalls. I felt good in them and I loved them  and I JUST may be at the point in my life where my family can just say “oh in the overalls? That’s Amy” and that explains everything.

shirley

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