Search results for 'silver linings'

Middle-aged Woman; Interrupted

18 Oct

you-are-not-your-mental-illness

Most, if not all, of my knowledge of bipolar disorder comes from movies and TV shows, namely, A TV show I watched last year called Black Box, Apparently I’m the only person who watched it because it is no longer on, probably took it off to make room for Snorkeling With the Stars, or some such nonsense, anyway this is not about my disdain for reality television shows, this is about my shocking lack of actual knowledge that was not obtained through television shows and/or movies. In the show ( If you didn’t click the link above, you should) because I’m not going to outline the whole show, just my thoughts on the show and what I gleaned about being bipolar from watching the show. My thoughts were that sure her highs were high and her lows were devastating, but if she didn’t stay on her meds, which she didn’t want to because she felt like they dulled her personality, she got to make out with super hot doctors during her manic highs, and she felt very sexy and fearless ( this didn’t seem so bad to me) this is the only thing I thought bipolar disorder was, they showed a little of the lows, but she lived through them and I was no stranger to depression, especially post- stroke,As I say in my set I got through it with a handful of benzos and a fistful of lunchmeat and the movie Pacific Rim on repeat, I didn’t realize how low a manic low could be, I also learned about bipolar disorder by watching the movie The Silver Linings Playbook, I even wrote a blog post about my love for that movie and the foresight in that post is insane. This is all leading up to my own recent diagnosis of bipolar 2 disorder, rapid onset,which I never knew even existed.

This past week. I was laid off from a job it had taken months to find, I had the job for two months and I liked it, and was feeling like I was getting my mojo back as far as comedy and being a decent, present mom again, my personal, dating life was non-existent but I had gotten so used to that it was a non-issue. that lay off, and some other things I over thought to the point of constant anxiety, both of which should have been small blips on the radar of my life, turned into reasons to actually plan ending my life. I Googled all of the pills I had in my house and according to Yahoo answers,even my pills were failures and I didn’t have enough of what I needed to actually do me in, and I had no money to go buy sleeping pills and I didn’t want my children to find my body (somehow this was worse in my mind than them not having a mom at all for the rest of their lives). I thought I could go out in my neighborhood, maybe my neighbor’s yard and die there (that’ll teach you to steal my fucking lemons from the lemon tree in my yard) but then the thought of being peed on by dogs, grossed me out and I decided then that I needed to not be alone so I called my friend Cara and she came over bearing ice cream for me and alcohol for her, I told her of all my plans and said I would call my psychologist tomorrow but if I was honest they would commit me for having a plan. Tomorrow came and I called and he said “skip coming here at all go right to the Psychiatric Hospital” and I did and they asked me to voluntarily sign in which I decided to do, the psych hospital happens to be connected to the rehab hospital where I spent several weeks right after my stroke, I bring this up because the first day I was there the tech from the rehab side who had tested my INR (coumadin level), came to test my INR on the psych side, he said ” so how have you been?” and I said “I’m in a psych hospital, so what do you think?” he said “there’s no shame in that your life has gone through a major strain just after the stroke alone, whatever brought you here means you were living it and that’s a good thing” ” living it as an absolute failure” then I had to go in for an initial evaluation with the staff psychologists. Immediately I started to cry as they asked me about my past, especially careless and impulsive actions with no thoughts of consequences….umm…that’s kind of been my “thing” my whole life, I fly by the seat of my pants, it’s part of being creative, right? I won’t go into detail but I’m very lucky I didn’t end up a Lifetime movie of the week, they asked about manic episodes of staying up all night with scattered thoughts, that’s creativity too, right? I would do that and write(some people clean) not this girl, sadly. those things coupled with my extreme depression and suicidal thoughts over admittedly minor things, and my super high score on the depression test detailing my feelings of being a worthless failure and awful person in general, the doctors mentioned bipolar 2 as a diagnosis, but didn’t officially give me that diagnosis that day but many days after several more meetings with psychologists and group therapy sessions, and mentioned starting me on a mood stabilizer called Lamictal and staying at the hospital for a few days, by this time I resigned myself to it and said sure, I walked into the common room with all the other patients and was struck by the range of ages, Living in a college town, I was expecting mostly college age people but this mental health shit didn’t discriminate, there were college aged people all the way up to a 90-year-old. I plopped down in a huge blue chair and sat there so much, they started referring to it as “Amy’s chair”, I quickly learned that this was very different from the rehab side, and almost the exact opposite in the sense that we were constantly busy with therapies over there to the point of exhaustion, here we had  group, psychologist meetings, and food every two hours and a library cart where I chose a novel called “Catching Genius” that I read in one day. I looked around that first day and couldn’t find a thing that I could use to kill myself (which I’m sure is by design), but we did have DVD’s in the common room and I thought I could break one of those and slice open my wrist if I needed to but I wanted the movie to be something funny, like Die Hard, death by Die Hard struck me as amusing,Luckily we didn’t have the movie Die Hard, I got my first dose of Lamictal and within hours I was feeling a bit better, I was on suicide watch still so every 15 minutes, I had to talk to a nurse and tell them how I was feeling, I guess I wasn’t progressing as fast as they wanted so they raised my dosage. Quickly, we became comrades in this place together, some like me were there voluntarily, but most had been baker acted and were planning to make things as difficult as possible for not only the staff but themselves. One night there was a coup over the tv and one of the patients who referred to himself as “the court jester” took a vote (written on the back of a coloring sheet written in crayon) but he soon found that the techs intervened after he got unruly because he wanted to watch football and when he couldn’t he wrote 1-900- abuse (in crayon again) and slipped it under the door to the always locked nurses station. they did not find that amusing in the least. It was 8:30 but I went to bed at this time. I heard the next morning over breakfast that “the court jester” had a full-blown fit and called his mom and a lawyer. he was mad at all of us for several days. After I finished my book I passed the time playing cards and coloring, I colored a Halloween picture of a minion that said ” Going Batty”, I found that delightful but this just cemented my knowledge that I am a horrible artist.There weren’t many DVD’s or tapes to watch but there was the Blue Collar Comedy Tour but I made it clear that if forced to watch that I would become homicidal (I chose my words carefully because had I said suicidal, I wouldn’t have been out in 3 days, they would have made me stay longer) There were some beautiful things to be found in this harsh environment, however, we were allowed to go outside in the courtyard if accompanied by a staff member, someone had written in chalk “not all those who wander are lost”by J.R.R. Tolkien, one of my dear late friend Brett’s favorite authors, someone also drew a kick-ass picture of a giraffe that made me happy. In group we had to write a plan for our after care for trigger events to prevent a relapse or what to do if we do relapse. I realized while writing my plan that I have a HUGE support system in friends and family and I can live with this bipolar 2, and most importantly, I want to live. I’ll forever be under the care of psychologists, therapists, psychiatrists, but all of these people want me to succeed (whatever that looks like).

I think it’s extremely important to find what works for you, I’ve seen the meme about just taking a walk in the woods when you’re depressed and not needing to take any meds (brought to you by Tom Cruise I presume) I can tell you if I had taken a walk in the woods the day I checked in, I would have found the sharpest stick I could have and plunged it into my chest, pharmaceuticals and extensive therapy is what I needed. find what you need and if you are feeling worthless and un- loveable like I was, take a chance on yourself and get some help. Speak kindly to yourself, be your own advocate. You’re worth it and let’s lift the stigma surrounding mental illness, let’s talk about it.

1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week
Languages: English, Spanish

Hopelessly Falling in Love With Fictional Characters Since 1979

1 Jul

AMC's "Mad Men" Season 4 Premiere - ArrivalsI have watched the AMC show, Mad Men, since it aired six years ago. In that time, my feelings towards Jon Hamm’s character, Don Draper, have changed from almost idolatry to an uncomfortable truce with the person I now know he is. I used to find him rakish and charming, but now I find his cavalier attitude towards everyone and everything maddening.

He has demons. I get it. The creator of the show, Matthew Weiner, has shown us through flashbacks that he is haunted by his childhood. He grew up in a whorehouse and was witness to women being treated like, well, like whores. Don Draper is not even really who he is, name, credentials, and otherwise (girl, there is so much more, but just watch the show).  Because of the fact that he just won’t deal with his childhood, he hates himself, he drinks too much, he smokes too much, he makes reckless personal choices, and he has severe intimacy issues. He relates to women either as playthings to control or as arm candy that exists only for his pleasure.

I once wrote a letter to Don Draper (just in case you need any further proof that I am crazy) and this line “your choices are causing you to leave an indelible mark on everyone around you and at this point, if I stay involved with you, I will be the one to blame for the blackness you have left on me” stands out because, yes, I wrote the letter to the character Don Draper (and I’m not TOTALLY crazy, it was to be the blog post that turned into this), I was actually addressing someone from my past who reminds me very much of the character Don Draper.

I have always fallen in love with literary characters. Gilbert Blythe broke my heart right along with Anne Shirley back when I read Anne of Green Gables. Most recently, I ached for Naoko and Toru of Haruki Murakami’s Norwegian Wood. I look for bits and pieces of myself or people I have known in these characters that entrance me so. Sometimes it is easier to make sense of a past hurt or situation when seeing it through the eyes of someone else.

Recently, I watched the movie The Silver Linings Playbook, based on the novel of the same name by Matthew Quick. The book has been on my list of books to read for a while so when my friend Chelsea loaned me the movie I thought I would give it a shot.

I have never been one to go crazy over Bradley Cooper. I think we all know that my favorite cast member from The Hangover is Zach Galifianakis.  However, I was crazy silver liningsabout Bradley Cooper in this movie, and joked that of course I was because he was playing a bipolar man who’d had his heart shattered and that I was drawn to him for those reasons. Maybe , maybe not, but I truly was enthralled by him in this movie.

The true love affair for me,  however,  happened as I continued to watch the movie and I got to know Jennifer Lawrence’s character Tiffany, who plays Cooper’s dancing partner and love interest, eventually. This character was mesmerizing, and Lawrence, who was 21 years old when she made the movie, deserved the Oscar for best actress that she won this year. Let’s give her Gwyneth Paltrow’s Oscar that she won for Shakespeare in Love back in 1998 too because Jennifer Lawrence deserves two and Gwyneth doesn’t deserve any (and I love The Royal Tenenbaums as much as the next guy, but no. Sorry). Marissa Tomei, my dear departed dad’s love for you has kept your Oscar safe. For now.

I think this line encompasses why I love Tiffany so much –

“I was a slut. There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?”

The fact that her character made some choices that she wasn’t very proud of and she didn’t deny the fact that she made those choices and she didn’t blame anyone else, and she forgave herself, and embraced her “dirty and sloppy”, is an amazingly beautiful thing.

I am introspective, sometimes to a fault. I have tumbled choices around in my head to see them from every angle to try to figure out why I have done some things I have done. I have practically turned beating myself up for those choices into an art form when it became painfully evident that they were mistakes. I do this to hopefully try to learn and become a more evolved, better person. I’ll be honest, it can be exhausting and there are times I wish I was much more like someone who could package the ugly and the dirty and the sloppy into a pretty box and shove it way into the back of my mind and go on with my life, BUT, when I think that might be the way to live, I am reminded of Don Draper, the man who does just that, and the ugly that has permeated every square inch of his life because of it.

I won’t give up on Don Draper (the character), or Mad Men. I also won’t give up on myself.

“If you show someone the sun in your bones and they reject you, you must remember, they hurt themselves this very same way.”

nayyirah waheed


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