Oh No…She’s Talking About Sex Again

24 Feb

let's talk about sex

I grew up hearing the same bullshit stuff that presumably many girls grew up hearing about sex. Things like “sex is a girls most precious commodity”,  “don’t give it up to someone easily”, and my personal favorite, “why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?”  What does this last one even mean? Am I the cow in this scenario? Are we telling our girls that in order to snag the man of their dreams that they need to play games to finagle an engagement ring out of him? What if a girl WANTS to be the cow that enjoys giving away her milk, is that cow doomed to walk the earth,  sadly mooing alone, forever?  This could go on for days, and while I enjoy a good metaphor as much as the next person, let’s mosey on from this one.

This “fun” and “informative” little video called The Economics of Sex that was made by The Austin Institute pretty perfectly sums up the claptrap that I was taught as a child. Go on, watch it, it’s short. I’ll wait.

SO MUCH WRONG, am I right? I imagine I believed all of that at the time. I might not have really understood it, but I believed it.  However, I had a lot of guy friends who were not being told the same thing. In fact, it seemed they were being told almost the exact opposite.

I attended a very small private Christian school for two years in 7th and 8th grades where I learned that YES, having sex is bad if you’re a girl, and so is listening to Van Halen, whether you are a girl or a boy, and the fact that I didn’t REALLY believe in all of what I was hearing didn’t really stop me from carrying that information with me when I went off to high school (except for the Van Halen part because those guys rock).

My guy friends who were having sex in high school were being high-fived while the girls with whom they were sexing (yeah, I know that’s probably not exactly the correct way to phrase that but let’s go with it) were called names like “slut” and were widely regarded as being somehow less…everything…than the girls like me who weren’t having sex in high school.

Before that comes off sounding like I am high atop Mt. Betterthanyou, I was a virgin until after high school mainly because I just didn’t date in high school. At all really. I just wasn’t asked. At all really. The first person I went on a date with after I graduated is the guy with whom I lost my virginity. I was 18 and felt like BEFORE having sex for the first time that surely I was missing out on something incredibly amazing. AFTER I had sex for the first time, I thought…something different. Let’s just say sex didn’t get good for me until many years after that.

As I grew into a young woman, my feelings about sex remained complicated. I tried to stick to what I had heard was the “right” way to nab a man, and that meant the three date rule. Don’t give it up until at least three dates in. This will show the guy that you’re a highly valued commodity, and not some piece of trash that has a lot of sex because it is…gasp…enjoyable.  If you want to get into these culottes, you sir will need to take me out on three actual dates and yes, McDonald’s all three times does count. Maybe I needed to work on the “highly valued” part, or maybe I just loved the McRib sandwich, in either case I understood that having sex right away, even if I wanted to, was just BAD, and would make ME BAD.

After my first relationship with a guy that I dated for 3 years, off and on, then my next relationship with a guy that I dated for 3 years, off and on, what counted as three ACTUAL dates with the couple of men I dated casually changed quiet a bit, and sometimes, they weren’t dates at all.

I wasn’t sure how to rectify my feelings that I was actually starting to enjoy sex and yet I still wanted to be considered a “nice” girl.  How could that BE? This was an absolute impossibility, right? Once I started enjoying sex didn’t that mean that I was one step away from just being a filthy porn star? It was a slippery K-Y lube-covered slope as far as I was concerned.

As I had more relationships and life experiences and matured (SHUT UP) I feel like my views on sex have become clearer. Not clear as in things are either black or they are white (I am so not going to make a 50 Shades of Grey joke here but god help me, I want to) but clear in realizing that there IS a whole lot of grey. My views are mine, and while they might be controversial,  I no longer buy into the whole “sex is a commodity” thing. I don’t think it’s right or even fair (yes yes, a word I TRY not to use because it’s pointless) that there is such a double standard regarding sex.  Regardless of my feelings about marriage in general, I think any man who doesn’t want to marry someone because she is  having regular sex with him is an idiot. I also think that any woman who feels the need to wrangle some poor not clearly thinking because his mind is clouded by all the sex you’re refusing to have with him man is also an idiot (please pick up on the sarcasm in this sentence). But, I’m not judgmental, I hope these two idiots live happily ever after (maybe not so much sarcasm in this one).

I do sometimes stumble upon something that gives me pause as far as how I actually feel about sex and what being sexually liberated means and this is one of those times.  I read about this and went through a plethora of emotions in a short period of time.  For your reading pleasure, here is a brief re-creation of my emotional state after reading about this comedian/writer having a romp with James Deen on film.

9:02 pm – WHAT? This woman,  (and I cannot find her name for the life of me and I have read the piece 3 times) who is a comedian/writer responded to a Tweet to be in a scene with James Deen? That’s kind of weird and gross.
9:03 pm – Well, I can see how it would be an empowering thing to do. She’s an adult. He’s an adult. It’s her body.
9:04 pm -Google JAMES DEEN just to jog my memory as far as what he looks like
9:10 pm – I wonder if he is going to Tweet this offer again?
9:11 pm – Follow James Deen on Twitter

James-Deen

In just a few minutes, more than I should have taken because I got sucked into the Googling portion, I came to the conclusion that it was her choice, and as a feminist, a choice I respect, and while it would not necessarily be something I would do, on film anyway (okay, in a film that would be seen by a lot of people) her choice doesn’t make her a BAD person, it doesn’t make her anything other than what I know about her, a woman who chose to have sex on film with a guy who makes his living by doing just that. I don’t know anything else about this woman, but I would not jump from woman I know nothing about to woman who has sex on film so she is obviously a terrible person. Not a leap I would make because it makes no sense to me.

At this point, at 44 years of age, I feel like the crux of true feminism is that women are free to pursue their happiness however they would like. If that means they choose to not work outside the home, then they should do that, if that means they work construction, they should do that.  It also means that if they choose to have a lot of sex because they want to then they should do that.

Every choice has its consequences, however. If you read the piece above, she mentions that people were hurt by her choice. I surmised that she has a significant other who was none too pleased with her decision, though she does not go into detail. That is unfortunate.  Also, if you read the comments connected to the piece, and really, I highly recommend you don’t ever read comments of anything posted on the internet, but I felt it was necessary in this case,  if you even take 20% of what is said as not trolling and as the real thoughts of those commenting, this woman is now thought by many to be “diseased gutter trash”, “a disgusting whore bag”, and my favorite a “morally bankrupt sex object”, yet not ONE person commenting says ANYTHING about the fact that James Deen is ACTUALLY A PORN STAR, which means nothing to ME, but why does she get lambasted while he is absolutely left alone?  I guess with a great penis comes great respect. Yeah, I don’t know, it just SUCKS that this is the double standard in which we reside.

I think the person going by the name Truth, who left this comment, can close out my feelings on this whole thing –

So you don’t like girls who do things like this? Big deal. Hang around with girls who don’t. But don’t pretend that everyone should be or think like you.

Boom.

Also, I will add on to what Truth said and say if you don’t want to BE a girl who does something like this, then don’t. The world is your oyster, do with your clam what you wish.

8 Responses to “Oh No…She’s Talking About Sex Again”

  1. kerbey February 24, 2014 at 10:51 pm #

    I grew up in the 70s and 80s being pro-choice and wanting to be empowered and sleeping with whomever I wanted, thinking I had the power, but it was all an illusion. I felt like I was sold a bag of tricks. When you see a heartbeat at six weeks of a baby you’ve prayed for for 8 yrs, you can no longer be pro-choice. And when it later dies, the hole of that missing life will never be fixed. I thought, like most of my generation, that living with a guy was no big deal. You share your life until one of you gives up, then you bail. My ex of 5 yrs bailed, leaving me with a 9 wk old baby. At that moment, I vowed I would never have sex again until I was married. No dating to bring men in and out of my son’s life and leave more holes. It was very hard. I waited it for several years, never even kissing a soul, but I wasn’t going to make that mistake again ever. I waited for a man who waited, too. It sounds impossible to think a man like that exists, esp when we were both 33 at the time, but he did. I never regret waiting. This cow was tired of giving away milk because she realized she was giving away pieces of herself, not just milk.

    • Amy February 25, 2014 at 9:05 am #

      And I absolutely positively respect your choices and what lead you to your choices. I would assume that you have respect for choices other than your own and you don’t try to force your choices on other people. 🙂 That’s one of the main points of that blog. I may not necessarily agree with someone’s decisions, or understand how they got to them, and I don’t have to, but I do respect their right to make those choices.

      Thanks for reading and commenting 🙂

      • kerbey February 25, 2014 at 9:08 am #

        Of course. I get what you are saying and respect your perspective as well. Neither of us is wrong; just seeing from different angles while we take our 40-something journeys. 🙂

      • Amy February 25, 2014 at 9:10 am #

        Well said! ❤

  2. Deech March 11, 2014 at 4:06 pm #

    I have no idea as to how to reply to this. I guess in my many years of being alive I have come to learn that labeling people, no matter which way they swing, is wrong.

    See? Although in the minority, when a single guy is seeing and having sex with multiple women, the reputation gets out amongst women that he is a “Player”. Meaning, that he will do anything in his power to have sex with women and cares little else for them.

    I just ask myself this question. What if, all the guy wants is to have a good time? He is not looking to harm anyone and wants to give pleasure as much as he receives. Is there something wrong with that? It’s just that to me, it seems that the girls who put out without commitment are labeled sluts. (I will agree with you on that) And the guys who get it on with many women are players. What I see also is that the guy that gets it on with just one woman but no commitment is a user where the woman still remains a slut.

    I just don’t get it. Why do we label people in such ways. Why can’t we be happy for them that they just got laid. I had a female friend confide in me recently that she got laid and the first thing she told me was not to judge her. I told her that I would be judging her. And I judged her in the positive. I told her that I wished it would have been me and that that lucky bastard better have known how good he got it!

    Why is it that when we think about sex for anything other than procreation we have to put the parties involved….down. I just shake my head at this….

    • Amy April 7, 2014 at 2:35 pm #

      Thank you for your comment and I so agree, labeling people is dangerous and ignorant. Live and let live is something I find myself muttering often in my daily life. Thanks as always for taking the time to read and comment. xoxoxo

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Male Victims of Sexual Abuse are not “LUCKY” | Memoirs of a Mom Who Ticks - April 9, 2014

    […] have written about the double standard of women being slut-shamed and how it’s very easy to fall into the seemingly socially acceptable habit of  labeling a […]

  2. Listen Up: It's Time To Stop Saying Men Who Are Raped By Women Are "Lucky" - - April 29, 2014

    […] have written about the double standard of women being slut-shamed and how it’s very easy to fall into the seemingly socially acceptable habit of  labeling a woman […]

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