Who’s Funny? I AM, DAMMIT

12 Feb

I’m tough. I AM tough, dammit.  I have lived through many hours of unproductive labor, two C-Sections,  open heart surgery, a whole lot of other surgeries, personal attacks, multiple broken hearts, and sometimes people on the internet call me names, and yet, I live. I lived through all of it.  Some would say I’m worse for the wear but I don’t think I agree with that.  I am definitely scarred, literally and figuratively, but dammit, I’m here and I’m tough.

YET…I am not tough ENOUGH.  I know this about myself. I get my feelings hurt and take things to heart more than I should. Not ALL the time, but recently I was reminded just how thin my skin really is, and how I absolutely HAVE to work on just…for lack of a less awesome term…not giving a fuck sometimes.

Not long ago, I met someone cool and I INSTANTLY wanted to be his best friend. His BFF. I thought he was funny, he thought I was funny, and we talked all night the first time we met. Seriously all night, and it was wonderful. I felt like I might have found a really good friend who would be around forever. He reminded me of my Brett.  We clicked instantly and had the same sense of humor.  We talked a lot over the next few days but I could tell something was just off and the day before  we had planned to spend together working on my comedy material and eating pizza, he blew me off.  Something came up. It was an abrupt turn around from where we were a few days before.

To say I was cool about the whole thing would be a lie. I came in like a wrecking ball and if he was sort of on the line about my sanity, I sent him enough texts trying to explain why I was so hurt about being blown off that by the time I was finished, I have no doubt he had firmly crossed that line into CrazyAmyLand.  I KNEW this, yet I could not stop. I really wanted to explain, and I really wanted to still be his friend, and I really wanted to just turn the clock back. This was in the span of a WEEK you guys. A WEEK.

crazy

I could see he was reading all of my texts, yet he was not responding,  and why would he?  He doesn’t know me that well and he doesn’t know that I am in fact, not insane. So now I’m in that awesome place where I feel so stupid for my actions, and lack of impulse control, and sad that someone I thought was cool does not feel the same about me.

The thing is, he’s not my Brett. Nobody will ever be my Brett, and I can’t forge a friendship with someone in a week that is anything like the friendship I had with Brett that we nurtured for almost 30 years. It’s not possible, and it’s silly to try.  It’s not silly of me to miss Brett, and I do every day, but it is silly to try to replace him.

Even when I was in the middle of Bad ChoiceaPalooza 2014,  I knew part of my motivation was that I desperately needed him to think I was funny, because I thought he was.  For any of you who don’t understand that, let me try to explain. Making people laugh has been my goal, my defense mechanism, my way to endear people to me, my entire life.  Considering I contacted this guy because he is a working comedian in town, and one I found funny, I felt like if he didn’t think I was funny then I wasn’t. It. Is. NUTS.  This is called having very little self-esteem and faith in the fact that I AM funny and that I CAN get up on a stage and make people laugh and that I don’t need anybody’s approval or help.

When I’m up on stage I need to be prepared for whatever happens, including hecklers, or drunks, or drunk hecklers.  I can’t let them shake me. At this point I plan to agree with whatever negative thing is said about me when I’m on stage. “Get off the stage, you SUCK” would be met with “I know, I really do”. I don’t know if this will work but it’s all I’ve got right now.

I wish a thick skin was something I could just purchase on ETSY, but I’m afraid it is something I will have to work on myself. I have made friends with my self-destructive streak, I have sat down with my broken hearts and made peace, now it is time to KNOW I am funny and that I have nothing to fear on that stage.  Learning the subtle nuances between being passionate and not closed as far as my emotions are concerned and going crazy and having no impulse control is a lifelong battle, I’m afraid. For NOW, getting myself up on a stage and conquering that fear is where my main focus lies.

owl

7 Responses to “Who’s Funny? I AM, DAMMIT”

  1. Jazz Cookie February 12, 2014 at 1:22 pm #

    His loss. And you got some great material for the comedy act! Use it, kiddo, and put Brett in the front row when you run it. Trust me, he’ll be there.

  2. Deech February 16, 2014 at 2:00 pm #

    I wish I could hear your comedy act. I would love to see it.

    The thing is, I find that people who have issues taking compliments are the ones who also get hurt a lot as well. Follow my thinking here. There may be a part of your thinking that really doesn’t believe you are funny or loving, etc. This side usually comes out when someone pays you an honest compliment. There is a difference between being humble, being conceited and accepting the other person’s compliment for the truth that it is.

    I think that those people who honestly compliment you…looking at you for a relationship as a person…not just a friend or a lover, but as a person first…..those are the people you should keep around.

    Me? I would just honestly like to share a beer or two with you.

    • Amy February 18, 2014 at 8:50 am #

      Thank you dearheart. MAYBE we can make that beer thing happen one day. Thanks as always for your kind words. xoxoxo

  3. girlseule March 2, 2014 at 12:32 am #

    I would love to see your act, I love stand-up. I think anyone brave enough to get up there and make people laugh is amazing.

    • Amy March 5, 2014 at 9:33 am #

      Thanks so much! I did it last night for the first time and it was so much fun! I will be doing it again, for sure. I hope to have at least a snippet from last night to post on my blog soon, my sister recorded the whole thing. Thanks for reading!

      • girlseule March 5, 2014 at 11:36 am #

        Awesome look forward to seeing it.

    • Amy April 7, 2014 at 2:40 pm #

      It’s posted now. Hope you check it out and like it! Thanks for reading!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

J. A. Allen

Scribbles on Cocktail Napkins

Storyshucker

A blog full of humorous and poignant observations.

Pattern$ oF R@nD0mNEsS

However random it might seem, everything in this world has a pattern

sweety5225's Blog

My thoughts about Depression, suicide and living

Mommy Muddling

I'm just a mommy muddling her way through the muck and the mire of parenting and a bunch of other messy stuff like autism, depression, anxiety, faith and more!

materialmermaid

Dive into my ocean

Live Your Life Inspired

A Wholehearted Community

polysyllabic profundities

Random thoughts with sporadically profound meaning

Letters Of Rejection

I am a writer and an author and a person and a human.

sevenisconceptenterprises

global business and -trade and nations resources control .

Be Like Water

Music, Film and Life

Cozy Cottage Clan

The Life of an Accidental Homemaker and Homesteader

Ana Spoke, author

It's time to get hella serious about writing!

The Ninth Life

It's time to be inspired, become encouraged, and get uplifted!

Uncomplicated Hacks

Yes! Life is Simple

%d bloggers like this: