Aren’t We ALL Hookers?

18 Dec

A few nights ago I took advantage of the free HBO preview that I am receiving for a few more months and watched some quality cable programming.  Game of Thrones? No, but I’ve heard that’s good.  The Newsroom? No, but I am dying to see that. So it must have been True Blood? No, but you’re getting closer. I watched a show called Cathouse: The Series.

I’m not going to lie and say I started watching the show thinking it would be about ACTUAL cats living in a house. I knew what I was getting into.  The show was about the women who work in the Cathouse and their relationships and less about the men who frequent the establishment. I found it fascinating and not at all sexy honestly, especially when a man came in dressed as a clown. THAT encounter was one that was shown and I really could have lived without seeing a guy in full clown makeup living out his desires. Not because I’m a prude, whatever works buddy, but I just hate clowns, and don’t want to see them happy.

Something I found interesting is that the clients are offered a menu of services that the ladies offer. Surprisingly, I couldn’t find one of these menus on the internet, which is both surprising and sad. I found A menu that looks like it’s from an establishment like the Cathouse, but I cannot confirm or deny that this is THE menu. It’s pretty vague but I think  I can figure out what most everything is except “Salt and Pepper”.  I am going to assume it’s sex with someone dressed like one of the Golden Girls, because that amuses me.

cathouse

When I was watching the show, I realized that my romantic life post-divorce could be featured on a menu as well.  No no, don’t set your computer on fire, I am not going to discuss sex acts (on THIS blog anyway…wink wink).  I had an epiphany that what I was offering cost ME a lot, including my self-esteem, pride, sense of self, but came free of charge to the men who partook.  I don’t BLAME them. If I walked into a store and everything was 100% off, I would probably go crazy too.

If you’re totally confused, allow me to present the FORMER menu to Cafe A –

The Super Speedy – In a hurry to get things moving? This meal is best if you have no life of your own and are really just looking for someplace to live. Also known as the guy who moved in with some girl 2 days after we stopped seeing each other because I moved too slow.
cost – This guy actually did pay a price, the girl stole money from him.

The Carnal Knowledge – Also known as there is absolutely no way this is going anywhere, but let’s have sex.
cost – Nothing to either party. It’s an okay option, but you’ll be hungry again right after.

Comfort Food – Also known as the girlfriend experience. All the trappings of having a girlfriend including emotional support and carnal knowledge, but without paying the price of exclusivity or commitment.
cost – Free! For the guy. Cost to me? Far too high.

The Full Geisha – Are you absolutely starving for affection? This is everything you could ever want, served on a pedestal. Don’t mind me, I’ll just be down here trying to find my self-esteem and pride.
cost –Free! For the guy. Cost to me? Years of therapy and rebuilding.

There it is in black and white, more or less. All the years of therapy have led to THIS, this sad display of how little I valued myself.  However, don’t feel bad for me. The kitchen is closed and we are under new management and these items are no longer offered. Well, MAYBE The Carnal Knowledge. Talk to me in a few months. I KID I KID.

cathouse2

 

3 Responses to “Aren’t We ALL Hookers?”

  1. bensbitterblog December 18, 2013 at 12:30 pm #

    Are clowns just an oxymoron or ironic? Something that is supposed to bring joy and happiness and so many people are creeped out by them (me included).

  2. Jazz Cookie December 18, 2013 at 12:49 pm #

    Amy, just when I think you’ve written your funniest post, you write one that’s even funnier. “Kitchen closed” is perfect. Good for you!!

  3. mollytopia December 30, 2013 at 8:45 pm #

    That show is such a trip right? I like your menu but I’m glad you’re changing it. Moved in with a girl two days later – those moves rarely end well…No.

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