Finding the Inner Woot

17 Dec

Thank you so much, guy picking up trash on the side of the road, for taking the time to say “WOOT” at me as I drove by. It’s almost like you KNEW that I was coming from an appointment with my therapist where we talked about needing to find my self-esteem within, rather than letting somebody’s opinion of what they think of me color my self-image.

Granted, you probably only saw big hair and sunglasses, and while I admit, I’m having a good hair day, your opinion of my hair, whether you agree or not (and let’s be honest, that “WOOT” might as well have been a “HEY LADY YOUR HAIR LOOKS FABULOUS”) doesn’t change that I feel like my hair looks fantastic today, and even if it DOESN’T look fantastic, I am still “woot” worthy.

Self esteem is such a strange thing. I recently found some old pictures of myself from when I was in high school. MAN, I was pretty. I was so pretty, and yet I never FELT pretty then, because I didn’t have a date to the junior prom, or the senior prom, or honestly EVER, but it’s a shame that because I didn’t have that kind of validation,  I just didn’t feel pretty. I knew I was funny, I knew I was nice enough, but nope, don’t put me in that box marked “pretty”. That was not for me.  My dad told  me I was pretty. My mom did, my sister did, my brother even might have, but I just didn’t feel it.

My BODY image, as far as being comfortable in my body, was good, and still is. However, self-esteem goes far beyond that. My self-worth, overall, was in the toilet, and it had nothing to do with not being a size 6. I felt like something was just OFF with me, because all of my other friends were fighting the boys off. In high school I had boobs, I had gotten my braces off, yet I never had one actual date.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

As I got older, my self-esteem got better because I worked on it, but it’s incredible how a lot of those old demons rear their ugly heads as soon as they sense a chink in my self-esteem armor, meaning,  I let the opinion of others affect my own opinion of myself. It’s like those old feelings are just waiting to remind me how I’m not really any good at anything. I’m certainly not pretty. I’m a terrible mom. I’m a bad person. Oh and that guy in elementary school that you had a crush on? He never liked you. Or the one in middle school. Or the one now. Those demons are jerks.

I am fully aware that I let things consume me. I am passionate. A friend commented to me after reading the series of posts I did a bit ago after it felt like my heart had been put in a Cuisinart that I “go big or go home”. I do, and that’s not going to change. That is part of who I am, and that’s okay. It is not okay for me to beat myself up for every bad decision I have ever made or assume that because one person doesn’t feel about me the way I feel about him that must mean that there is something fundamentally wrong with me.

So, while I really appreciate the “woot”, I am working on building my self-esteem up from the inside. I don’t want to become addicted to your “woot”s and feel the need to go litter in hopes that you will be called out to pick up more trash tomorrow because I need that “woot” to feel good about myself. With or without your “woot”,  I need to be my own “woot”er.

And, for the sake of this post, I’m going to assume that you were “woot”ing for me, and not for the University of Alabama tag on the front of my car. If you were, that’s cool too. With or without your “woot” I am pretty “woot”able.

self-esteem

2 Responses to “Finding the Inner Woot”

  1. bensbitterblog December 18, 2013 at 12:24 pm #

    Self esteem is a strange thing indeed. I think for people like me who take a lot of ours from what others tell us, it goes up and down real quick.

  2. mollytopia December 30, 2013 at 8:40 pm #

    Yes yes yes – you are totally woot worthy! I love this post – you go girl. And that e-card is fabulous : )

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