I Will Accept Crashed. I Will not Accept Burned

11 Dec

I had a thought last night when reading something on Gawker with a headline that went something like “owner of company delivers smack down to customer”. Of course I can’t find the actual piece I was reading, or anything like it to link here, but trust me, Gawker sometimes has emails or Facebook status updates that have headlines like that. My thought was how I really hope I don’t end up on Gawker because of my last few posts under the headline “watch woman crash and burn after stupidly short non-relationship”.

I know, I am breaking one of my own rules, no guilt for genuine emotions or feelings, and my feelings and emotions are genuine. I will accept crashed, but burned? No, not burned. Crashed, yes, but crashed and okay. Crashed and re-assembling.  Crashed and getting myself back into therapy, but NOT because I was so devastated that I am falling apart, not that there is anything wrong with falling apart. I think we can all agree that I’m okay with falling apart if you learn something putting yourself back together.

Back into therapy,  because while half of me still thinks I’m pretty awesome, the other half of me got sucked into the old mindset that of course somebody is not going to be as crazy about me as I am about him. OF COURSE.  Because I don’t deserve that, because of choices I made in my past. And that’s not okay. That’s destructive,  and while it took me a while to get half of me to feeling awesome, the other half needs to follow suit. Or at least meet in the middle somewhere.

My ex-husband, who I hurt more than anybody with my past choices, has told me more than once that I deserve to be happy. If HE can want that for me, it’s so crazy that I have such a hard time convincing myself of the same thing. I want someone that I am wild about to be wild about me. There. I have sent it out to the universe.

My life-long friend Brett, who passed away in October of 2012, told me more than once when I was crying my eyes out over some boy, or something  (and in more than 30 years as one of my closest friends, he witnessed a lot of tears from me)  in a totally baffled tone, “but you’re Amy. You’re awesome”. Yesterday, Brett’s sister, and my friend, said those words to remind me that I need to get into my head that being Amy is  enough, because I really am pretty awesome.

No I’m not.

I am however,  still hilarious.

I-am-enough

I am enough.

I am toast.

4 Responses to “I Will Accept Crashed. I Will not Accept Burned”

  1. donofalltrades December 11, 2013 at 1:55 pm #

    It’s always you who is the last to realize how awesome you are.

    • Amy December 16, 2013 at 3:20 pm #

      and that stinks Don. It shouldn’t be like that. Hope your holidays are fantastic.

  2. Jazz Cookie December 11, 2013 at 2:44 pm #

    When I was going through something similar (and it lasted for years and years!), I came up with a new mantra: “I’m looking for the man who is looking for me.” This changed the game completely, and guess what – he found me…Your awesomeness will light the way for the man who’s looking for you, kiddo. And a lucky man he’ll be.

    • Amy December 16, 2013 at 3:20 pm #

      Love love love you. That is all.

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