I Smell Sex and Dinosaurs

2 Oct

dino

Let me begin by stating that I am far from judgmental. I’m pretty open-minded sexzzzually (I can hear my Mom sighing all the way from here.  Hang in there, Mom, it’s not that bad). My belief is that if all parties involved are willing adults then have at it. I find the United States attitudes on sex to be very puritanical. I think we have it backwards and should be MORE sensitized to violence and LESS to nudity and sex. You can show somebody’s head being shot clean off their body in a movie and nobody blinks but show that body naked, with a penis, then OH MY GOD CLOSE YOUR EYES. I do realize sex and nudity are different things. I’m just saying in general; more sex, less violence.

And again, sex involving willing adults.

I realize willing adults are into all KINDS of things and it’s all groovy with me, man. Whatever.  I thought I was at least familiar with a lot of the kinks that exist. I’m a grown woman for heaven’s sake. I know about BDSM (and NO I am not referring to that Grey book. I refuse to read that because

1) everybody else loved it and I am a pill when it comes to things that become very popular and

2) I read excerpts and I was not impressed on the basis of literary merit alone

Mostly 1 though.

I know about people dressing up like animals and role play.  I saw the CSI episode about Plushies and Furries  and was absolutely FASCINATED by it. If you’re not familiar with the terms let me link to a random person on Yahoo Voices who felt it necessary to write something explaining the difference in the terms. Neal Litherland, I greatly appreciate you taking the time to try to educate all of us. I still don’t know what term I would use if I encountered a Plushy and/or Furry in real life because honestly I’ve read this yahoo voices piece a few times and I am finding it difficult to tell the difference.  The take away from this piece is mainly this

Though sometimes innocent playacting or costuming, there is a segment of the furry fan population which is sexually stimulated by furries (which explains the whopping amount of art and erotic games that feature furries on the Internet) and by emulating furries. Furry parties, for instance, are a nice way of phrasing that there may be a sexual get together for those who are furry fans and enthusiasts.

Some people like to put on animal costumes and get it on. It just sounds hot to me. HEAT hot, that is, but whatever, willing adults. Do your thang.

If I came across a person dressed in any kind of animal-like outfit I would probably simply walk the other way. Not because I harbor judgement towards them, simply because I would probably be a bit freaked out. I’m not nearly as bad ass as I might come across. I’m scared of clowns too, which is not true for everyone. Some people are actually sexually attracted to clowns. I cannot find the term “coulrophilia” in the REAL dictionary, but you better believe it is in Urban Dictionary. There was a CSI episode about that too. I tried to locate a clip on YouTube of the episode but I couldn’t find one. Don’t go looking for it yourself. Trust me. You don’t want to venture down that rabbit hole.

Most of my sexual knowledge came from CSI apparently. The rest is made up of my Mom having “the TALK” with me with the help of some GIANT old encyclopedias, watching scrambled Cinemax on Friday nights (or SKINEMAX as it was known around the school yard…wink wink), and the rest I just pieced together myself thanks to episodes of The Love Boat and movies like Sixteen Candles and Halloween. That last one mainly taught me that sex is bad, mmmkay. That old “the only one who survives until the end is the virgin” thing, but that is for another post.  I think I did a pretty good job of figuring out what’s what and I have a healthy respect for other people and what turns their crank.  I thought I knew a lot.

Until now. I stumbled onto something that I really did not even know existed. I found

DINOSAUR EROTICA.

That is, literature that features dinosaurs, REAL DINOSAURS, not people in a dinosaur costume, having sex with, according to the cover art at least, comely white women who, in one case apparently, are former Solid Gold Dancers.  I was okay with this dinosaur erotica thing, but gold bikini top, really?

dinosaursex

I wanted to include an excerpt from one of the books but after an absolutely exhaustive search, I could not find one that explained exactly how the dinosaur/human sex takes place. I cannot even IMAGINE the logistics of such a thing, BUT, Christie Sims can, and she was good enough to write it out for us, not once, not twice, but SEVERAL times, featuring many different species of dinosaur.

If you know anything about Amazon, or the internet, or smart-asses in general, you KNOW the reviews for these books are breathtaking. Here is just one

5.0 out of 5 stars The apotheosis of literature October 2, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition
If you have been searching for dinosaur-on-woman porn (and who hasn’t been?), your search has at last reached its end. Filling a literary niche that, incredibly, has been ignored until now, the author has recognized the public’s insatiable interest in dinosaur lust for the ladies. Human ladies. I look forward to the sequels that will undoubtedly chronicle their ongoing romance, their subsequent affairs and rocky issues in their relationship, and the fates of their dino-human children.

Ms. Sims, I hope you sell a lot of books. I salute you. The rest of you, do yourselves a favor and read the reviews and if you think you can stomach it, read one of the books and let me know one thing; HOW? Just…how.

yeah

Willing adults, keep on shaggin’.

Now excuse me, I need to erase my internet browser history.

6 Responses to “I Smell Sex and Dinosaurs”

  1. theelderj October 2, 2013 at 9:50 pm #

    What’s the rule of the internet that if something exists there is pornography based on it?

    • Amy October 15, 2013 at 11:08 am #

      MAN that rule is something I think I have proven. I got pulled into that rabbit hole when I was researching that post. It was…dark…to say the least.

      Thanks for reading!

  2. donofalltrades October 2, 2013 at 10:29 pm #

    You said penis!

    I had to go look up Bukake on the Urban Dictionary after some youngsters on the softball field were talking about it, that’s how old I guess I am. They were all how do you not know that word and I was unable to explain to them that there is no context in my life where that has or will ever come up naturally! Lol.

  3. davepiperno October 3, 2013 at 6:51 am #

    Dinosaur erotica—that’s just plain weird. Love this blog…hate that idea! Must everything be perverted.

  4. bensbitterblog October 3, 2013 at 1:04 pm #

    Does this have anything to do with the government shutting down and allowing the dinosaurs or Jurassic Park getting out? I don’t know how is weirder, the government or the Dinosaurfiles.

  5. kerbey October 3, 2013 at 5:20 pm #

    Wow, I haven’t read 50 shades of trendy either. Other than being vaguely aware that there are shows in Mexico where women are violated by donkeys, I had no idea there was a market for dinosaur/woman relations. I sympathized with poor Pam Anderson in that boat video with Tommy, but ginormous reptiles are a whole new level. I’m not that openminded. I would think interspecies mating would not qualify as “healthy fantasy,” no matter what Cosmo says, but maybe Obamacare will cover the therapy on that.

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