I’m all Enlightened and Stuff

31 Aug



I have practiced yoga off and on for many years, and though I know the correct term is indeed practiced, it has perhaps never been more apropos in this instance because though I have been DOING yoga for years, I still have not mastered the art of yoga.  I love doing it and I love the way it makes me feel but I feel like I’m not any good at it. I mess up my breathing by inhaling when I should be exhaling, I tend to want to hold my breath, which is totally not what I should be doing, and perhaps worst of all, I am not good at being IN the moment, something that is stressed during yoga.  I tend to let my mind wander rather than concentrating on breathing out through my chakras. When the instructor is telling us to concentrate on our breathing and leaving everything outside the yoga studio, this is what is going on in my head –

Was that my stomach? I am hungry. What is there to eat at home? Do I have any gas in my car? Do I have money to put gas in my car? What time does the Alabama game start? Who are we even playing? I am the worst fan but I really do like college football. I should go back to college. I have so much laundry to do. I cannot wait to move.

And soft breaths

I really need more yoga clothes. Wonder if they have any at Goodwill. Oh Goodwill is bad. I should try the consignment stores. Where did that place move that was right down the road? And there’s my stomach again. Oh I’ve got those baby carrots and yogurt dill dip. Who the hell am I? Seriously, this is what I want to eat?  This yoga shit is really enlightening me to what goes into my body. Baby carrots with yogurt dip and I still have Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Done and done. Lunch and dinner figured out right there. Boom.

And really concentrate on leaving everything outside the studio. Think of this moment.

In this moment I need food that is currently outside the studio. Why don’t I eat before I come, this happens every time. Great. I’m the stereotypical overweight lady who is constantly hungry. Don’t judge me thinlings, I’m thinking about baby carrots.  I need to buy a yoga mat. It’s dumb that I come here and borrow theirs. They’re like what, $6 at Target. I need to do that.

And child’s pose 

Oh I LOVE child’s pose. Yeah, stretch it out. I am so damn flexible now. I am feeling my spine stretch through my fingertips.  Speaking of spines, I have GOT to look up the final moves for Mortal Kombat on YouTube. I don’t remember which character pulls the spine out of their opponents body, but that is a badass move. The boys would love that. Is that too violent? I grew up playing video games and I’m not a serial killer, yet anyway, though if I don’t eat soon, it’s a possibility.

And on to proud warrior

Damn right I’m a proud warrior. I’ve got this shit IN THE BAG. I’m gonna be sore tomorrow. This is INTRO to yoga? So glad I didn’t decide to try power yoga. I think that would kill me. I am so hungry, what time is it? Oh I have apples at home too.

And tree pose. Really make your feet like roots 

My foot is a root. Look at me. I should wear my glasses in here so I can see myself better because I look freaking awesome right now. I AM a mother fucking tree. I should relax into this and breathe like we’re supposed to and BE in the moment. Oh so hungry. This place is so pretty, I love that mural. Wonder if that means something or if it’s just decorative. I should ask.

And now we lie down on our backs and mentally scan our bodies to relax fully

THIS is what I’m talking about. This pose, this flat on my back hands to the side palms up totally doing nothing but breathing pose I have DOWN at this point in my life.

And breathe



Nailed it.


9 Responses to “I’m all Enlightened and Stuff”

  1. Miss Molly August 31, 2013 at 5:09 pm #

    One of the funniest pieces – maybe THE funniest you’ve done. It’s perfect. Laughed all the way through and am keeping this forever. Oh, God, still laughing…

    • Amy September 19, 2013 at 6:12 pm #

      Molly I love you and I do think we are related. You remind me a LOT of the other fabulous ladies in my family. MUAH. xoxoxo

  2. bensbitterblog August 31, 2013 at 10:55 pm #

    The only way I did yoga was because it was on Wii Fit. I tried it few time and it had me leaning on my shoulders with me legs straight in the air and I was like, “This is level 1”? Sign me not the heck up!

    • Amy September 19, 2013 at 6:12 pm #

      HA! Ben, this made me laugh. I have never tried the Wii yoga, but I still want to, but now I’m scared.

  3. Peter September 3, 2013 at 10:19 am #

    A perfect illustration of what the Buddhists (I think it’s the Buddhists) call “Monkey Mind.”

    Our mind’s thoughts are like monkeys that swing from tree to tree. It’s a universal human condition…my brother has been meditating for 30 years…he tells me he still has thoughts popping up uncontrollably when he sits….

  4. DustinLives (@DustinLives) September 13, 2013 at 5:23 pm #

    Damn this shit is funny. Stumbled here and I’m happy. Thank you, sharing your post on my twitter accounts too.

    • Amy September 19, 2013 at 6:13 pm #

      Thank you so much for dropping in and for the Twitter love! xoxoxo

  5. Sandy Sherwood November 3, 2013 at 10:35 pm #

    I love you you’re so funny! You made all the stresses in my life disappear! I’m so glad I got to read this. Keep it up! Looking forward to reading more from your experiences.

    • Amy November 20, 2013 at 10:42 am #

      Thank you so much for reading!! Not all of my posts are funny, I’m a bit of a “stream of consciousness” writer, and sometimes that stream is murky and choppy, and not very conscious. I’ve lost my point in that metaphor. Anyway, thanks so much for reading!!

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