Airplanes, Anxiety, and Amy

20 Aug

While I am far from what anyone would call a “serious” person, I am fairly stoic when it comes to certain things. For instance, I am ridiculously cautious when crossing the street. I wait for that signal and I do not move away from the sidewalk towards the street until I get the green light and/or walk signal. If my children are with me, I clasp their hands tightly until we are safely across the road. Don’t give me this “you’d never make it in NY” shit. I’ve been there. They have cross signals and it was just as easy to abide by them there as anywhere. This issue irks me to no end living in a college town. Kids today are too busy listening to their i Pods and updating their Instagram accounts to pay attention to silliness like crossing signals. Pull up your pants, get out of the middle of the road, and stop whining about everything. I’m 43 and my life stinks sometimes too. This is not an age-specific thing, it’s a life thing. Ask my 71-year-old mom.

Another time I find it necessary to pay heed to signs and signals is when flying. I enjoy flying. I like traveling. I am usually always excited to be heading somewhere. My trip to Las Vegas a few weeks ago was no exception. My niece was an absolutely beautiful bride and I am thrilled to welcome Dean officially into the family, though he’s been there for 11 years already. I got to spend time with my sister and her man and my mom and pseudo step-dad  which is always good and also with my hilarious aunt and cousin, and their kids. My children were incredibly handsome and well-behaved and we all had a great time.  Once again, I marveled at my exceptionally attractive and funny family.

What I do NOT find exceptionally attractive and/or funny, however, is when people do not do what they are told to do when flying. EVEN if it’s total bullshit that the instruments could interfere with the instruments on the plane, is your phone call to your office to tell them you’re on the plane all that important? No. No it’s not. I am sure I APPEAR calm when flying, but inside I am acting out the scene from Terms of Endearment when Shirley MacLaine goes all (justifiably) crazy because the nurses were late giving Debra Winger her pain shot, but my rant would be more “JUST TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONES. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TURN IT OFF FOR A FEW HOURS” and less “JUST GIVE HER THE SHOTTTT”.  When we’re flying, I want you buckled when you’re supposed to be buckled, I want your damn electronic devices off, and if you’re sitting in an exit row, I want you to pay attention to what you’re supposed to do to get me out of that plane alive should there be a need, because I am NOT going to put on that oxygen mask if it drops simply so I can breathe in any fumes that may be permeating the cabin so I can knock myself out and not have to deal with the crash in any way. Is that too much to ask of my fellow travelers?


Me and my sister are supermodels.

Another thing that causes me a bit of controlled anxiety is looking at pictures of myself taken by anybody else in the world besides me. I read a Tweet once, I can’t remember who said it, but I wish I had because I can totally relate, “my camera and my mirror seem to have totally different ideas of what I look like”. Truer words were never spoken. In my mirror, and in pictures I take of myself (also known as a ‘selfie’) I am freaking adorable. Offensively adorable. In pictures anybody else in the world takes of me, I am…not so much.  I am super comfortable in my skin until I see a picture of myself and think “now might be the time to quietly start looking into Botox” because according to every expression I have, I am either a dim-witted cartoon character or an old-time vaudeville comedian, which explains why I have spent some time this past week quietly un-tagging myself from pictures on Facebook.

This week my boys started school which caused both me and my eldest son some anxiety. We didn’t buy the boys school supplies until the weekend before the first day and that was too close for comfort for my 12-year-old. He stressed about not having a backpack (he decided to use his brothers from last year anyway), or school clothes (yes he did), or paper or pencils (had that too), and was convinced that he was going to show up on Monday naked with nothing. I have recently realized that my eldest is an anxious kid, and that some of his behavior issues might be anxiety-driven. He has TOLD me that he finds it difficult to NOT think about everything all the time. Besides the little bit of anxiety that I described, and a few other things, I don’t think of myself as an anxious person, so I have had to really take a step back and breathe before barking at him for many things. This is something that I will surely write more about, but as of today, the first day of school went well for both boys. My youngest is very happy-go-lucky about everything. My eldest seems much more comfortable this year than last year and decided to spring on me that last year when he was dropped off, he didn’t know where to go before class, so he followed another kid to the cafeteria and sat there alone until the bell rang and he went to class. This of course made me burst into tears and ask him why he didn’t tell me this last year, to which he deftly responded “you’re crying about it a year later. You would have had a heart attack if I had told you last year”, which is probably somewhat true SO, part of what I will be working on this year is not being anxious about things my children tell me about things that make them anxious. Yeah, it’s like Inception, but with anxiety.  Again, still haven’t seen that movie, but I refuse to stop using it as a reference when I think it fits.  Spouting off about things I know little about is part of what makes me a great American.

This got very long but in summation, I’m an anxious freak when crossing the street, flying, looking at pictures of myself taken by anybody besides myself, and when dealing with my children in any way whatsoever.  I’ll just leave it at that.

8 Responses to “Airplanes, Anxiety, and Amy”

  1. bensbitterblog August 20, 2013 at 9:48 pm #

    I feel the same way about the tweet you mentioned except for instead of the way I look, it’s the way I sound. I think I sound alright to myself, but when I hear my voice recorded, I get very bitter.

  2. boredlandia August 21, 2013 at 8:14 am #

    Oh if I had time to list all the things that get me anxious! I think we might be here all day. Your list was great and I couldn’t agree more about all of them. Damn those who cannot follow simple directions!

    • Amy September 19, 2013 at 6:19 pm #

      Sorry this took me so long to respond but thank you for reading and yes, this is just a partial list!

      I know, why is it so difficult to follow directions. Just. Follow. Directions.

  3. Miss Molly August 22, 2013 at 2:03 am #

    We really have to check our geneaology sometime, because it’s clear to me we are related – closely. I loved every word of this and I hope we sit next to each other on the next flight so we can both snap at those people who don’t pay any attention. Maybe if we both do it, we can start making some changes that count on the damned airplanes!

  4. Joker August 22, 2013 at 11:12 am #

    I had a great response to this but Gravatar fucked me and deleted my response…I freakin hate WordPress and Gravatar! Hate’em!

  5. girlseule August 23, 2013 at 6:37 pm #

    I’m with you on the flying. We are about to go into the sky in a massive metal thing, if you are ever going to do as you are told, it should be now!

  6. Peter August 29, 2013 at 6:24 pm #

    How’d you like to be on a plane with this person?….

    • Miss Molly August 29, 2013 at 7:21 pm #

      This should go in the Ranters Hall of Fame! God knows we’ve all had to fly with someone like that annoying person. Thanks for letting us read one of the best rants ever! Whoever wrote it is one of us…

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