What the HELL?

20 Jun

My fear of snakes is well-known, far and wide.  I am the first to admit that my fear travels beyond the realm of realistic and careens into the zone of ridiculous. I look for snakes everywhere. I once tried to choke the life out of  a leather belt that I was sure was a snake that had somehow made its way to my bed.

Long have I been comfortable in the fact that snakes could at least not open doors.

My comfort zone has been shattered thanks to Julius, this giant yellow boa that can open doors.

That *THUNK* he makes when his gargantuan body hits the hardwood floor after he opens the door, presumably with one thought in mind, “MUST FIND AMY”, will fuel my nightmares for all eternity.

Special thank you to my ex-husband for sending this video to me, and by thank you I mean F you.

Something else that will live in my nightmares, though in a totally different part of my psyche  –

halfjeans

 

 

 

No, not Miley herself.  The child is rebelling, what with her dancing with Molly (yes, I know what that means) and collaboration with Snoop…um…Lion and whatnot, and that’s all well and good, but THESE, half sweat pant half jeans that she has worn a couple of times now, there is no reason for these to exist, much less for anyone to wear.

Who was sitting around thinking “I really would love to be all chillaxin’ on the right side of my lower half and all slightly – less chillaxed on my left side, while enjoying the benefits of my right ass-cheek being sweatier than my left.” There is no reason for these. None.

The good people at The Cut have posted a ‘frequently asked questions‘ post because these atrocities have confounded so many of us. The information they provide is helpful, but still, does not answer the question echoing through my mind “WHY MILEY? WHY?”

Now this

The only time I like to see brawling is when watching hockey and then only because there is a referee and it’s just part of the game. Brawling should not be part of driving, no matter the circumstances. These guys are hotheaded idiots and I really wanted somebody to throw water on them.

pauladeen

And finally…Paula Paula Paula. As a fellow butter loving southern woman, I am really saddened by your use of the N-word and even more so of your assertion that using that word does not make you a racist. As I have told my 12-year old son who sometimes enjoys singing along to rap music that uses that word liberally, that is not YOUR word to use. Do I think the word needs to leave our vernacular, no matter who is using it? I certainly do, and I am sure I will write about that another time, but as of right now? White people, that shit is not yours and not okay to use.  It is hateful and yes, it is racist.

Knowing what I do about her now, it’s going to be hard to continue to make and occasionally eat candied bacon, a recipe that I got from one of her books, and is bacon coated in brown sugar and baked until it is caramelized, candied,  and freaking amazing.  But I will try.

14 Responses to “What the HELL?”

  1. Miss Molly June 20, 2013 at 12:06 pm #

    All great…Someday I’ll tell you about the snake on my dresser one summer day…oh yeah, a little one, but still. Someone told me later that snakes are lucky and the only thing I could think was that it was lucky I didn’t have a heart attack…I did learn how fast I could travel 15 feet across my bedroom. Great read today…love ya,
    Molly

    • Amy June 24, 2013 at 7:57 pm #

      oh SEE? You can’t go away. You have to write about that. Love you and miss you around these parts.

  2. peacelovegreatcountrymusic June 20, 2013 at 12:14 pm #

    Dipping the bacon into butter is Heaven right here on earth. I watched the snake video on Facebook last night and had to sleep with the lights on.

    • Amy June 24, 2013 at 7:56 pm #

      WAIT WHAT!!!??? BACON INTO BUTTER!? You must tell me more and yeah…that snake video is just ….awful.

      • peacelovegreatcountrymusic June 24, 2013 at 10:19 pm #

        Please tell me you have had carmelized bacon. It’s Paula Deen’s recipe, and yes I know she cooked her own goose this week, but it’s CARMELIZED BACON people. It’s like riding to Heaven on a unicorn, but even better.

      • Amy June 26, 2013 at 12:37 pm #

        I LOVE CARMELIZED BACON!!! I HATE to make it, but I LOVE to eat it. I made it for a work function once and have been relegated to making it for everything because everybody went crazy over it. Love love love it. I just slather brown sugar on bacon and bake it, but it’s tricky because it can go from delightfully and perfectly done to charcoal in a matter of seconds.

  3. muddledmom June 20, 2013 at 1:08 pm #

    1. I am not watching that snake video. 2. Those pants are hideous and she probably wore them because her mother told her they were hideous. 3. I bet you can find another recipe for candied bacon to use without any guilt.

    • Amy June 24, 2013 at 7:56 pm #

      HA! Good for you for not watching the video, it is awful, and I saw ANOTHER one today that I will not be posting and will spend some time trying to forget as I lay down to sleep tonight.

      Yeah, it is only two ingredients, she probably didn’t INVENT it.

  4. Ijassdie June 21, 2013 at 4:51 am #

    Actually i am not watching the snake video or the other videos hell yes by only reading the post i am sure u r afraid of snakes. I am afraid of mouse.. the dead mouse frightens me more coz i can’t soooooo them away.. i am almost in my 30s and i am not going to rescue my princes is she got stuck in a dungeon full of mouse lol

    • Amy June 24, 2013 at 7:54 pm #

      Yes, I am totally afraid of snakes. My youngest son told me he saw a snake on our walk with our dog today, and I was proud of myself for not running away and leaving the dog and my child in the dust. Baby steps 🙂

  5. girlseule June 22, 2013 at 8:09 am #

    Love the description of those pants!

    • Amy June 24, 2013 at 7:53 pm #

      Thanks! I wanted a description that sounded as crazy as those pants look!!

  6. kerbey June 26, 2013 at 9:46 pm #

    You cover too many topics for me to write a one sentence response. First, I know that snakes are evil, and every snake on earth is filled with demons–and mercy, does the devil love to infiltrate my perfectly peaceful dreams with these awful creatures! Although I can’t reconcile how you don’t recognize the innate evil in sharks that want to bite your arm off while you surf. And Miley! She ruined Kimmel last night in her granny panties, gyrating and slapping girl’s bums and trying desperately to be edgy, and apparently going bi makes you edgy these days. We know the mullet is not Billy Ray’s biggest regret now. And I can also acknowledge that white people are under no circumstances allowed to say the N word, but if it was 3 decades ago, I can forgive that. I just think about how poor Pee Wee’s career was ruined years ago, and I feel for them both bc we all screw up. Even if I don’t SAY mean words, which I do, I still think them when people drive me nuts.

    • Amy July 9, 2013 at 11:10 am #

      You’re awesome 🙂

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