Yes, I Do Have a Shark Tattoo on my Butt

11 Jun

jaws

I have a love affair with sharks that goes way back. One of my earliest memories is going to see Jaws with my brother and cousin when it came out in the theater when I was 5 years old. I am pretty sure my mom thought they were going to take me to see Benji or something and cannot imagine she agreed to have her baby girl go see a movie about a great white shark that goes on a human hunting spree and I am POSITIVE that nobody knew the effect the movie would have on me and that some 30-odd years later my fascination with sharks would culminate in the form of a tattoo on my behind, yet, here we are.

I find myself reading everything I can get my hands on about sharks and it is a given that I must watch every single movie made about sharks, and yes, this includes cinematic masterpieces like Jersey Shore Shark Attack and Shark Night. 

 

Sharks have become caricatures of the amazing creatures they are and my relationship with them and how they are portrayed is a complicated one. I am sure it is apparent by now that I cannot just LIKE something, I have to have a complicated relationship with it. I am an enigma wrapped in question marks surrounded by mystery, perhaps needlessly so, but in any case, I appreciate sharks for the real live incredible creatures they are, and have a healthy respect for them, while at the same time desire to watch any and all horrible movies about them. Movies that I know do not portray sharks as they really are, and no, I don’t necessarily think sharks are sensitive creatures that just want to be hugged. However, I do think they are creatures that really just want to be left alone. They don’t like how humans taste, they don’t want to hunt us, and they certainly don’t follow people in order to take revenge on the family of the person who killed the shark’s family member (Jaws: The Revenge…I’m still pissed).

Watching shark movies, both terrible and awesome for many years, has taught me a few things, and no, the lesson is not to stay out of the ocean. I still love the beach and swim in the ocean though never at night and never after sitting around a campfire smoking everything but our shoes (Jaws, with a nod to Steel Magnolias).

  • Sometimes sharks are just doing what the rest of us wish we could do. More often than not, usually in a bloody third act, the antagonist gets what’s coming to him and/or her. From Malibu Beach Shark Attack to Shark Night, this is one thing you can depend on in virtually every terrible shark movie. Please note, when I say “terrible shark movie” I do not mean Jaws, which is highly regarded as an awesome movie even by people who do not have sharks tattooed on their asses.
  •  When will teenagers learn that boats + booze + sex = shark attack?  Come on kids, this equation is in every movie from Deep Blue Sea to Swamp Shark to Shark Night.
  • Let’s not monkey around with the genetics of sharks, mmmkay? Sure, sharks may possess the key to preventing and curing Alzheimer’s disease  like in Deep Blue Sea or you may just be a crazed doctor who feels the need to fuse yourself with a shark like in Hammerhead – Shark Man.  Trust me, the first idea is a good one but we don’t really want and/or need super smart sharks swimming around do we and there is nothing good about the head of a hammerhead shark on the body of a man. Not a good look. At all.
  • Sharks may be and probably are in every body of water in existence. Think you’re safe in the beautiful waters of Venice while being paddled around in one of those sightseeing boats while being serenaded by some guy in a striped shirt and stupid hat? If so, Stephen Baldwin in Shark in Venice has a bridge he would like to sell you, though not the Golden Gate bridge because that was eaten by the huge shark in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.
  • Every single shark that has ever lived still lives down at the bottom of the ocean just waiting to be re-awakened by stupid man and our constant need for high-rise hotels or oil or some other thing that we totally could live without.  Every. Single. One. Megalodon is still swimming around out there and of course starring in the movie Megalodon and the aforementioned Mega Shark vs.Giant Octopus and the followup Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus.   Just stop with the building and the drilling you animals!

This list has been tongue in cheek, of course, but the reality of sharks is that they are amazing creatures that are being hunted so their fins can be made into a Chinese delicacy, shark fin soup. A soup that is virtually tasteless yet is thought to enhance sexual potency.

The way the sharks are caught, their fins cut from their body, then tossed back into the ocean to suffocate because they have no way to swim and take in oxygen, is really sickening. Don’t eat shark fin soup but DO celebrate the beginning of summer by watching either a semi-terrible shark movie like Deep Blue Sea, which is one of the best of the worst, or a really awful shark movie like Swamp Shark, or an enjoyable scary shark movie like Open Water, which is truly frightening and much like Jaws for the first half of the movie, the IDEA of sharks is much scarier than actual sharks. Or, learn about the animals themselves by watching an awesome documentary like Sharkwateror one of the Discovery Channel’s wonderful series featured as part of their Shark Week (especially since they’ve gotten away from glorifying the killing of sharks).

If  for some reason you haven’t seen the granddaddy of them all, Jaws,  please, I implore you,  just watch it, if only for the amazing performances of Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss.

Now get out there and hug some sharks! Don’t really do that.

beach

22 Responses to “Yes, I Do Have a Shark Tattoo on my Butt”

  1. Jack Chaser June 11, 2013 at 10:26 pm #

    I have every version of Jaws that exists and have an entire room in my house dedicated to my love affair with the film.

    • Amy June 13, 2013 at 10:41 am #

      You have moved up on my list of favorite people. That is SO COOL! Post pictures pretty please. Thanks for reading and thanks especially for being awesome.

      • Jack Chaser June 13, 2013 at 5:29 pm #

        I will at some point likely do a post outlining my collection of Jaws stuff. I have a script signed by the entire cast and the actual 1978 Jaws game with snappy Bruce and everything

      • Amy June 24, 2013 at 8:02 pm #

        Okay, I will keep an eye open for that and I am officially jealous of all your Jaws stuff. I have a t-shirt, but that’s about it.

      • Jack Chaser June 24, 2013 at 9:40 pm #

        I will put a pic up of the game soon

  2. Amber Perea June 11, 2013 at 10:30 pm #

    I’ve swam with sharks. Multiple times, actually. Once upon a time, we used to dive down just to pull Nurse Shark tails for fun. Jealous? Lol It was the most scary but balls out awesome thing I have ever done.

    And might I add, I’ve jumped out of an airplane.

    • Amy June 13, 2013 at 10:26 am #

      Unless you’ve jumped out of airplanes into shark-infested waters then you can keep that BUT, the other makes me green with envy. GREEN. Definitely on the short list of things I want to do when I have time and money, maybe not pull their tails, but definitely swim with them hopefully in a cage at some point.

      • Amber Perea June 13, 2013 at 10:38 am #

        Lol I meant it was way cooler than skydiving lol 😉 Everyone says that’s the ultimate rush but it’s not!

  3. bensbitterblog June 11, 2013 at 10:38 pm #

    If sharks weren’t so bitter maybe people would like them more. Of course, maybe they are just misunderstood and just need a hug. Like bitter people.

    • Amy June 13, 2013 at 10:27 am #

      BIG BITTER HUG BEN. Say that 5 times fast.

      • bensbitterblog June 13, 2013 at 12:11 pm #

        No hugs, just thugs. I won’t be saying any such thing fast.

  4. datinginvegas June 12, 2013 at 1:28 am #

    This made me laugh! Nice!

    • Amy June 13, 2013 at 10:27 am #

      Thanks, doll!

  5. pattypetal June 12, 2013 at 10:50 am #

    Another good one. So funny and so you.

    • Amy June 13, 2013 at 10:27 am #

      Thank you Mom. Love you 🙂

  6. desertdweller29 June 13, 2013 at 5:07 pm #

    “I’m not talking about pleasure boating. I’m talking about Porkers!” Goodness, I had NO idea what my husband was saying half the time until I watched this movie. It’s like the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Very funny!

    • Amy June 24, 2013 at 8:03 pm #

      HAAA! It IS very much like Rocky Horror. Thanks for reading!!

  7. honeydidyouseethat? June 20, 2013 at 10:47 am #

    Hmmmm. Wanted to see the tattoo. Guess I’ll have to comment on who else gets killed in any kind of killer movie, underage sex participants, as you said, the funny one, always, and of course anyone with skin of different colour. We bet who gets knocked off first!! :)Thanks for dropping by and following “Honey.”

    • Amy June 24, 2013 at 7:58 pm #

      I imagine at some point I will feel the need to post a picture of my ass on my blog. Not quite there yet though. Thanks for reading!

  8. girlinterruptedtoo July 6, 2013 at 11:08 pm #

    My 5YO has an obsession with sharks as well. Very nice article…..I don’t think we will go as far to tat him but still loved this.

    • Amy July 9, 2013 at 11:09 am #

      HA! It’s funny, my eldest had an obsession with Bigfoot when he was younger and I used to tell him that if he wasn’t careful he was going to end up with a tattoo of Bigfoot on his butt 🙂 Thanks for dropping by and following!

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