That’s Hilarious, Now Watch Your Language

21 May


My 12-year old is the source of many posts on this blog, mainly because of the “rough patch” he has been going through in regards to refusing to do his homework, his need to be right even when I’m pretty sure he knows he is wrong, and his sassy mouth.

That mouth of his definitely gets him into trouble sometimes, but it seems whenever I share something he has said that is particularly sassy, I am met with comments like “oh where DOES he get that, I wonder?” and “the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree”, and often I find myself nodding my head and agreeing that my boys’ dad really is an epic smartass, but then I realize I think they might mean ME.

Of COURSE they mean me, I am not delusional (in this sense), but in my defense I come from a long line of funny smartasses, on both sides of the family. My father was a mad genius/smartass, my aunt majored in biting sarcasm in school. Cousins, uncles, and my grandmother, all well-versed in the fine art of sarcasm. My sister and brother carry the gene as well, as do my nieces.  My mom has a subtle sarcasm that sneaks up on you. Sarcasm and smart-assery have been elevated to new heights with my children however,  and I am simultaneously horrified and proud.

georgeBesides being delightful smartasses, my children cuss sometimes too. Thank George Carlin for that bit of parenting advice, though he didn’t actually use it as parenting advice, my ex-husband and I took it upon ourselves to decide that we would apply a famous comedy bit of Carlin’s to parenting, and our children would be allowed to use words deemed “wrong” because really, they are just words.  Carlin’s “Seven Words you can Never say on Television” was the bit and I still stand by my original assessment that it is STUPID that some words, regardless of context, are deemed “wrong”. This applies to what is known as curse words, not words that refer to any group of people.  I believe some of those words are FAR more offensive than the word “tits”, for instance, and the boys would be severely reprimanded by us if they used those words.

We have told the boys since they were born that as long as the words are not being used maliciously, that they would not get into trouble for saying them. We have also told them that they are not allowed to use the words in school or around grandparents (hey, we don’t want our parents yelling at us for our children’s use of curse words, plus there is a matter of respect, of course).

In hindsight, this bit of parenting was probably a misstep. The boys have stuck to the rules and very rarely, and usually only with each other, do they use the words in any kind of malicious way, but still, other parents probably wouldn’t be too thrilled when my kid loudly proclaims “SHIT!” on the playground after falling off the”mother fucking balance beam”. The previous scenario is fabricated, but it could happen. Backtracking and trying to regulate what words your now 8 and 12-year-old sons are allowed to say is a bit like trying to put silly string back into the can after you have squeezed it all out.  Or string cheese. Look, I’m bad at similes, but you get what I’m trying to say.

After that set up, I wanted to share some funny quips penned by my eldest child. I have to say, yes, they might be a bit racy and include curse words, but they also are really funny and are not MEAN in any way and the fact that these are from the same child who gave up his chair this past Sunday so an older man could sit down, and did this when he didn’t know I could see him,  makes me think meh, they are just words.

This is part of a blues song and is an ode to a woman who works as a clown  –

Spending all my money on your big ass shoes

Seriously, that line cracks me up every time I read it.

Brace yourselves,it’s racier than the other, but for a 12-year old boy, still not too bad, and it really is funny –

I’ve got a fire dick

You’ve got a water hole

Baby our love is like stop drop and roll

I am telling you, that is better than like 90% of the songs on the radio these days.

I think the boys are turning out pretty okay, even with all the doomed sarcasm genes and iffy parenting.

* Parental Advisory picture from Stabilitees

* George Carlin picture from his official website

13 Responses to “That’s Hilarious, Now Watch Your Language”

  1. bensbitterblog May 21, 2013 at 2:23 pm #

    Sometime you think those are just words, but sometimes words can be powerful. Like the word bitter. I know some people that overuse that word a lot and now it seems like it doesn’t have the impact it once did. Uhh…

    • Amy May 21, 2013 at 2:44 pm #

      Good bitter point bitter Ben.

      • bensbitterblog May 21, 2013 at 2:53 pm #

        You are starting to overuse that word. It’s getting kind of annoying.

  2. donofalltrades May 21, 2013 at 2:42 pm #

    Nothing worse than foul mouthed little bastards.

    • Amy May 21, 2013 at 2:45 pm #

      HA! I have to tell you Don, my eldest is THRILLED because he discovered that he is, in fact, a bastard, because he was born before we were married.

  3. Tina May 21, 2013 at 3:50 pm #

    I think you and I might be raising the same twelve year old boy because you just described my kid perfectly…and a little bit of me too. 😉

    • Amy May 21, 2013 at 5:46 pm #

      Oh, my condolences on both of those things 🙂

  4. Michelle May 21, 2013 at 4:24 pm #

    We have very similar “rules” in our house. I swear like a trucker. More than my husband sometimes. I let the boys swear and also tell them we only do it in our house. The other day, when my son was very sick and lethargic, I knew he was feeling a bit better when all of a sudden I heard him exclaim, “JESUS that was a big bird!!!”. What are ya gonna do, huh??? 🙂

    • Amy May 21, 2013 at 5:47 pm #

      HA! Love that story!

      So glad to hear that I’m not alone in this. This was one of those posts that as soon as I hit the “publish” button I had the sinking feeling that I would come off sounding like a nut and surely nobody could relate.

  5. Lucky Wreck May 21, 2013 at 9:41 pm #

    Hahaaa! I am still laughing. I love funny smart assess-ness!

    • Amy May 23, 2013 at 7:56 pm #

      Who doesn’t love funny smart asess-ness! I am so glad to see you back around here. Heading over to your blog shortly to catch up. 🙂

  6. desertdweller29 June 4, 2013 at 8:13 am #

    Smart-ass runs thick in my family too. Also, have the 7th grader know-it-all. It makes for a humorous household that really bites you in the ass. My 4-year-old, who is by far my youngest and a total sass-mouth said, “I want learn to ride a bike!” Then shrugs and says, “Aw, who the hell am I kidding.”

    • Amy June 10, 2013 at 9:20 pm #

      Your story cracked me up so much! Thank you for reading and relating and yes, humorous household that bites you in the ass is so true!

      I’m going to make my way over to your blog as soon as I can. Eldest has been sick and I haven’t been able to get near the computer because both boys have been watching movies non-stop before summer kicks into high gear.

      Thanks again for stopping by and for sharing your story. I love it!

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