What the Hell?

23 Apr

I believe the phrase “what the hell” to be one of the most perfect in the English language. My children, 12 and 8 years old, share my sentiment. However, this is not about my shoddy parenting, the rest of my blog is a testament to that, this is about the words What. The. Hell.  Think about it, they can be uttered in disgust, they can be uttered in astonishment, they can precede fantastic events as well as horrible ones.

I have said these words quite a lot this past week in regards to various events. Everyone is aware of the major ones that warranted the phrase this week.  Those events were not humorous or lighthearted in the least, but what follows, hopefully, are. Or at least has you uttering “what the hell?” along with me.

I live in Florida. I grew up here. Usually it’s a pretty okay place to live if you can get past the mosquitoes the size of a Volkswagen and the occasional probable murderer snailbeating the system. The fact that we are a huge joke because of the weirdos that are attracted to our great phallic shaped state is laughable even to us Florida crackers because gosh darnit, this is home. I’m in North Central Florida and have convinced myself that I am far enough away from South Florida  to not have to worry about the onslaught of giant snakes that have taken over the Everglades. I mean, what are the chances of them heading up this way? Please, if you know the chances, keep that information to yourself.  Recently I stumbled upon this article about giant snails invading Florida and was especially disgusted by this charming bit of information –

“The parasitic nematode that causes rat lungworm can be present in the slime of the snail, so if a person comes in contact with the snail, the nematode present can then enter the person’s body, eventually making its way into the brain.”

There are so many words in that quote that make me throw up in my mouth and I barely even know what they  mean. PARASITIC….NEMATODE….LUNGWORM…BARF.  Come on Florida…WHAT THE HELL. 

reeseReese Witherspoon was recently arrested for disorderly conduct when her husband was pulled over on suspicion of DUI, and turns out he WAS I, and was arrested himself. Reese pulled the classic “do you know my name?” with the officer and refused to stay in the car when the officer asked her to because she was “a U.S. Citizen” and was “allowed to stand on American ground.” Oh Reese, this is all adorable, and I don’t fault her for saying any of this. Heaven knows I have many stories from my drinking days.  What leaves me scratching my head and saying WHAT THE HELL is that if I had Reese Witherspoon’s money, not only would I take a limousine everywhere, I would have people cart me around on their backs so that my dainty feet would never have to touch the ground. Carry me and delicately pour alcohol down my throat, then deposit me in my limousine and drive me to the local International House of Pancakes and have them serve me in the limousine, so that I can eat my drunken feast without  having to look at the unwashed masses. Seriously though, WHAT THE HELL? You can afford a limousine, or at the very least, a cab.

manateeI’ve had this one on my mind for a few weeks after being sent the link by a couple of people who thought it would be something I would want to write about, and they were right, but I just can’t think of any other words besides WHAT THE HELL,  Target? Online shopper Susan Clemens noticed that a grey dress in plus sizes was called “Manatee Grey” and the same color and style was called “Dark Heather Grey” in smaller sizes. What? Wha? Wh? W?   Clemens tweeted Target and they responded quickly by calling her a sea cow and told her to diet. I KID!  No, they did what they should have done and apologized and explained that the plus size dresses were made by “WeHATEfatgirls” and the other sizes were made by another company. I KID AGAIN! There is just so much WHAT THE  HELL about this. Even in the original tweet that Clemens sent Target she says “WHAT THE” because she’s too much of a lady to say what the hell…but I’m not.

This last one is painful to write because it involves friends. Well, at least people I thought were friends. People that I LIKED, anyway. THREE separate people whom I thought were friends sent me a link to a story about a man who was arrested in Vietnam with 53 venomous cobras in his car. WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE? So three of you saw a story and thought to yourselves “Oh that’s horrible. You know who would hate this and probably have nightmares about it? Amy. Let’s send it to her.”  This one won’t have a picture because that is just how much I hate snakes. *Shudder*

I will never stop saying “what the hell?” though I do hope this week has more simply shake my head moments and less crying moments,  because really, what the hell universe.

7 Responses to “What the Hell?”

  1. MommyVerbs April 23, 2013 at 12:40 am #

    Laughed out Loud. Well done, you! My little group of friends, aka “What the Hell” connoisseurs (btw, you KNOW, I looked up how to spell that word!) have had SO. MUCH. FUN. with the manatee grey dress story. So much fun in fact, that it become part of our theme at our recent mystery trip weekend. IF I ever get a chance to sit down and write that story, you’ll understand more. What the hell?! (And the giant snail pictures make me shudder…ugh.)

    • Amy April 23, 2013 at 12:50 am #

      HA! So glad you laughed out loud! Thank you! The grey dress story is just so…what the hell.

      I cannot wait to read that story.

      Thanks as always for reading. I will try hard not to post any more giant snail pics.

  2. Miss Molly April 23, 2013 at 12:54 am #

    Oh, Amy, you are so funny and so on target (not That Target!) every time. I promise never to send you stories about snakes…

    • Amy April 23, 2013 at 12:55 am #

      HA! Bless you Molly. That really is all I ask. And to not feel like Target is calling me a sea cow. Thank you! 🙂

  3. bensbitterblog April 23, 2013 at 3:56 am #

    What in the heaven’s name? I am shocked that you guys have bigger slugs that we do.
    Our slugs are so famous that we sell fake slugs in our Washington State Souvenir stores. I think your scary slugs win.

    • Amy April 24, 2013 at 1:44 am #

      OUR slugs are super giant and apparently will eat your brains. We don’t mess around here, Ben.

      I LOVE that you said ‘what in heaven’s name’…you’re so funny 🙂

      • bensbitterblog April 24, 2013 at 2:16 am #

        I’ve been working on my stand up for years. Still not even close to ready for prime time. You’re pretty funny yourself. Your stuff is great!

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