I’m Sorry Jon Hamm

8 Apr

AMC's "Mad Men" Season 4 Premiere - ArrivalsLike many other people, I am anxiously awaiting the premiere of Mad Men tonight at 9:00 on AMC. If you’re not familiar with the show, it centers around a Madison Avenue advertising agency in the 1960’s, and the main character is portrayed by the so very handsome and well-endowed Jon Hamm.

Yes, Jon Hamm and I dated. No big woop.

Sadly, we did not date, so how do I know about his, um, endowment?  I first became aware of it when pictures of him strolling all over New York while wearing some linen pants this past summer set the internet a-chatterin’ because in the pictures it was very clear that he was  –

 

  1. Not wearing underwear
  2. Without being gross or indelicate, had a giant penis

On the internet there was a lot of back and forth about whether it was real or photo-shopped.   I giggled about some of the things I was thinking, like I didn’t know he was going to be in the remake of Anaconda, and the fact that his last name is HAMM, and the creator of the show’s last name is WEINER, but then I moved on with my life.

Well, the internet is just as immature as I am so more rumors sprang up and it was hard to ignore them (Okay, I really will try to stop the double entendre from here on.) One of the rumors was that he had been asked by the costumers on the show to be sure that he was wearing underwear this season.  Whether that rumor is true has not been confirmed.

Shortly, after all of this hullabaloo, a Tumblr, which if you do not know is a social media site that is sexier than Facebook and more relevant than MySpace, called ‘Jon Hamm’s Wang’ came to be. I imagine it is pretty easy to figure out why the site was created.

This month, Jon Hamm is the Rolling Stone cover model and in the accompanying story the reporter asks the following –

On there being a Tumblr called ‘Jon Hamm’s Wang’: “They’re called ‘privates’ for a reason. I’m wearing pants, for fu*k’s sake. Lay off. I mean, it’s not like I’m a fu*king lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn’t part of the deal… But whatever. I guess it’s better than being called out for the opposite.”

Admittedly, after I read the above, my first thought was “OH REALLY? Poor Jon Hamm. Handsome, successful, rich, well-endowed Jon Hamm. Cry me a river. Talk to Christina Hendricks about unwanted attention. You have been dealing with it for about 5 minutes. She has probably been dealing with it her whole life.”christinahendricks

Christina Hendricks is an actress on Mad Men and is curvaceous, gorgeous, and redheaded to boot.

Then, I realized that the way I was thinking was just as bad as the way other people had thought about me back when I had giant breasts. Yes, once upon a time I had HUGE breasts. I really don’t know the true size because I never had them properly measured, but they were much bigger than DD’s. I know that because DD is the largest size bra I would wear, because it is the largest I could find, and it didn’t fit properly.

One of my earliest memories involves a boy in my fourth grade class telling me that I needed a bra, which was bad enough, but he told me in front of the boy I had a crush on for many years. I went home and told my mom what he said and I went out and got a bra with my mom… AND my dad. My dad picked up the biggest bras he could find and held them up over his head while yelling out “HEY AMY, DO YOU LIKE THIS ONE?” As embarrassing as it was, it was still better than what the kid in school said.

From then on, my bra, and my boobs, became hot topics of conversation and I hated every second of it. I hated the jokes,  I hated the assumption that because of my breast size I was out to steal your boyfriend, if only I wasn’t too dumb to devise a plan.  I hated everybody staring directly at my chest when they were talking to me, and I mean everybody. Men, women, boys, girls, and it didn’t matter what I was wearing. At one point my closet contained no less than a dozen blazers because I thought that blazers hid my breasts better than anything else.

My breasts WERE big, they were really big. After many years of absolutely hating them, I got breast reduction surgery in my early 20’s and truly, have never regretted that decision. That choice was right for me. My back hurt all the time and I hated the attention and if there had been a Tumblr called “Amy Lawson’s boobs” I would have been pretty mortified too.

So, Jon Hamm, I apologize to you. Admittedly, I giggled and looked at the pictures, but now I’m in a shame spiral and want to sincerely apologize. You are absolutely right, you were just wearing pants and it sucks that this comes along with being famous these days, and I am sorry that this scrutiny is a part of your life.

I hope we’re cool now.

7 Responses to “I’m Sorry Jon Hamm”

  1. muddledmom April 8, 2013 at 12:45 am #

    Some good points you make. Waiting to see Jon Hamm on Mad Men in a few right now. I will not even try to see if he is wearing any underwear.

    • Amy April 8, 2013 at 1:44 pm #

      It’s funny, I did not think about any of this when I was watching the show. I was engrossed in what was going on and need to watch it again to catch those subtle nuances I always miss the first time. Thanks for reading! 🙂

  2. bensbitterblog April 8, 2013 at 3:11 am #

    I think he’s okay now that you have apologized.

    • Amy April 8, 2013 at 1:43 pm #

      Gosh I hope so Ben. I really do. I’ll keep you posted. Thanks for reading 🙂

      • bensbitterblog April 9, 2013 at 3:09 am #

        He told me that he plans on asking you out, but is kind of nervous to be around your hotness.

  3. Toni Freeman April 8, 2013 at 4:01 am #

    I never realized you were teased! If anything, I was teased SO MUCH for the EXACT OPPOSITE that I had no idea what was considered “too big,” although people had no problem pointing out that I was “too small.” I always felt like an 8-year-old in the locker room when I was changing and constantly felt “less than” about women who were “luckier” in that department than me! Anyway, I love you, I love your breasts, (regardless of size) and I love Jon Hamm’s enormous member.

    P.S. Christina Hendricks is amazing!!!

    • Amy April 8, 2013 at 1:43 pm #

      Oh yes…I was teased,or if not teased, my breasts were the topic of conversation in some way or another EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE. Yeah, that’s the thing, everybody will be teased about something more than likely. It is all about perception. You thought I was “luckier” when I thought I was “cursed”. It’s just all about comfort level.I know some women totally embrace and love their big breasts, and that’s totally cool too. I have never regretted the reduction but that was the right choice for me.

      Anyway, I love you too and Christina Hendricks IS amazing.

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