The Most Controversial Thing I have Ever Written…Besides That Time I Said I Did Not Like Mumford and Sons

4 Apr
Oprah Gwyneth….Gwyneth Oprah

There is so much about these ladies to love. Oprah encourages people to read. She speaks of gratitude. She is philanthropic. She is spiritual.  And, not that it should matter, but I saw her in person once when my sister and I were standing outside the Emmy awards back in the 80’s and the woman is GORGEOUS.

 And Gwyneth! She is Hollywood royalty. She is an Oscar winner. She is married to a rock star. She’s a mom. She’s an author. She’s concerned about the environment. She is absolutely lovely herself.

Both of these women are successful, and I really think they both come from a place of wanting to help others. Help us little people, if you will.  I do not think they are malicious in their intent, so it pains me to say, I really cannot stand either one of them and don’t want their help in any way. That might be a little harsh. Let me elaborate.

I know, saying I don’t like Oprah is akin to saying I don’t like the Dalai Lama (I have no problem with him thus far) and as I said, I know she comes from a place of just wanting to inspire all of us, and judging from what is shown on her network, maybe wanting to scare the hell out of us and perhaps turn us on occasionally, but, as much as I know I am going to hell for saying so, she really does irk me.I know what you are feeling. I was once where you are. When my friend Cara told me that she didn’t like Oprah I wanted to slap her face and call her a communist. She did not push the matter, she simply stated that she found Oprah annoying, and mentioned the magazine in particular.Somewhere around that time, Oprah all but tarred and feathered author James Frey on National TV for fudging the details of his “memoir” A Million Little Pieces.  SO he only spent a few hours in jail, rather than 87  days like he claimed in the book.  Of course this is sarcasm, what he did was crappy and I imagine Oprah felt personally slighted because she had chosen his book as one of her selections for “Oprah’s Book Club” and had called it “brutally honest” and it…wasn’t apparently. I just felt that she was a bit harsh on him and that it wasn’t necessarily the fact that he lied, but the fact that he lied TO HER, the Queen. When it came out that afterwards she apologized for being so harsh with him and claimed it was “just business”, it did nothing to change my worsening opinion of her.

I greatly admire the fact that Oprah came from humble beginnings, and she really has succeeded spectacularly.  I think she is probably cool in a very un-cool way, like back when she had a talk show and she sang her own theme song that one year, that was neat, and I can see maybe going to Zumba class with her and Gayle one day and then grabbing a smoothie afterwards, but not really wanting to hang out too much after that because I imagine she would be really into herself and refer to herself in the third person and say things like “Oprah would enjoy shopping for a Coach bag right now” which is another part of the problem I have with her. I mean, an entire magazine devoted to what she thinks and what she buys and what she’s reading and eating? And she’s on the cover every month? I would have loved to have been in a meeting when this idea was being tossed around. “So, here’s the thing. I want it to be about ME. All ME. All the time. And I want to be on the cover, just sitting around looking and being fabulously ME.”

Also, she introduced all of us to the self-help book The Secret, which was based on the film by the same name, which is also known as “the law of attraction”. This is from the Wikipedia site for The Secret –

the secretThe tenet of the film and book is that the universe is governed by a natural law called the law of attraction which is said to work by attracting into a person’s life the experiences, situations, events, and people that “match the frequency” of the person’s thoughts and feelings. Therefore, positive thinking and feeling positive are claimed to create life-changing results such as increased wealth, health, and happiness

 

I have read The Secret and it is such a nice idea and I do think positive thinking in the grand scheme of things is better than negative thinking, but I just have a hard time buying into this kind of thinking on the whole, and honestly, I feel like Oprah doesn’t even buy into it. Which brings me to my other issue with her. She has honed her image as someone who is very self-aware and very much into thinking positively, and that is awesome, but she also promotes this idea of spending your way to true happiness.

Almost every year since 2002, Oprah has compiled a list of her favorite things and calls the list, cleverly enough,  “Oprah’s Favorite Things.”  The list comes out before the holidays and is made up of items that are noteworthy or that Oprah thinks would make great gifts. When her show was on the air, she would unveil the list and everyone in attendance received one of everything on the list, which is pretty awesome. The list ITSELF, though, borders on ridiculous. Sure, Oprah, my sister would love that box of nail polish for – GADZOOKS $168!  And my mom would be thrilled to get those Gemvara Naked Cushion earrings for a mere $1109! YIKES.

This same kind of totally out of touch with all except a small minority of people who make a lot of money and/or have a lot of money to spend thinking brings me to Gwyneth Paltrow.  My goodness….the rarefied air that woman breathes must be HEAVENLY.  Take a stroll through her website GOOP for some admittedly lovely words about various topics, but also, for some cray cray expensive shit that nobody I know can afford.

Both Oprah and Gwyneth seem utterly humorless, especially if Gwyneth wrote these oh so fabulous and useful tips for other “working mums” like herself, with a straight face. Unless her tongue was planted firmly in her cheek (it wasn’t) then this is one of the most accidentally hilarious things I have ever read –

  • Have a personal trainer come to your house, preferably on Mondays. This will be great motivation for working out the rest of the week.
  • Have a weekly blow-out. This means that you don’t need to wash your hair each day and can save time in the morning.
  • Get an amazing assistant.
  • Condense your spa appointments. For example, JB has a salon she goes to at the end of the day to have a facial, manicure, and pedicure at the EXACT same time. She’s in and out in 70 minutes.
  • Get seven hours of uninterrupted sleep a night
  • Get a fishmonger who delivers. This way you can always have fish in the house and can be prepared in case you need to whip up a quick fish dinner.

I KNOW, RIGHT!?  Oh my sides hurt from laughing.  I can’t even begin to rip this apart, but unless you are Gwyneth herself, or another 1%er, you don’t need me to point out the laughably unrealistic poop on this list. I mean, what even IS a fishmonger? And SPA APPOINTMENTS!??? OH Gwynnie…stop. Just. Stop.

Goop has stopped doling out the advice for “working mums” after it was met with such huge backlash, which I am sure totally puzzled Gwyneth and left her melancholy and strolling the streets of Paris  wondering where she went wrong. All she wants is for us to like her, and to impart her vast knowledge and wisdom on to us. Well, some people just can’t be helped.  Move on from all of it Gwyneth. Please. Move. On.

Oprah and Gwyneth both seem like your friend who is nice enough and everybody seems to be fond of but who really is totally out of touch with who you are as a person or what your life is like at all, and they don’t really want to know. I totally understand that this is just who these women are. I don’t expect nor want them to “dumb things down” so to speak, for us poor folks.  I just want them to stop. I feel like they are very “this is my wonderful life, and YOU can get a peek into my wonderful life, because it is wonderful, is it not? Am I NOT wonderful? I AM! And you can be too, sort of, not really, but again, this is my WONDERFUL LIFE.”

I am sure that neither Oprah nor Gwyneth will miss me in their fan clubs. There are MILLIONS who are members and I think as long as they have their biggest fans, themselves, they will be just fine.

12 Responses to “The Most Controversial Thing I have Ever Written…Besides That Time I Said I Did Not Like Mumford and Sons”

  1. Lucky Wreck April 4, 2013 at 3:11 am #

    Coming back to comment on this…this was a brilliant article and I want to be totally awake (because I just now got home from work) when I comment!

    • Amy April 4, 2013 at 6:04 pm #

      Okay and thank you, I’m glad you liked it!

  2. donofalltrades April 4, 2013 at 12:00 pm #

    Lol, funny. I was in the kitchen the other night and could hear the tv in the other room and the show was discussing the harrowing rescue of a child by I think Heidi Klum. I could be wrong but it was an actress like that. There were multiple nannies who tried to help and then had to be saved and a former body guard was there to help…while it was a serious situation and all were fine, something about hearing the cast of characters was hilarious.

    • Amy April 4, 2013 at 6:05 pm #

      That is funny! Celebrities…they’re just like us. Only not really at all.

  3. pattypetal April 4, 2013 at 5:38 pm #

    LOVE IT!!! Pat

    We inherit the earth from our parents. We borrow the earth from our children.

    • Amy April 4, 2013 at 6:05 pm #

      Thank you PAT! May I call you mom? 🙂

  4. MissFourEyes April 4, 2013 at 5:46 pm #

    Hahahaa! Okay, I just realized how much I NEED a fishmonger 😀

    • Amy April 4, 2013 at 6:06 pm #

      CLEARLY we ALL need fishmongers. Is there such a thing as a chicken McNugget monger? That might be more useful around my house.

  5. datinginvegas April 5, 2013 at 5:54 am #

    Hahahaa that was great!!! They are like me but not really…but I wish you would quit hating on Mumford and Sons. Thanks for the laugh

  6. Peter April 5, 2013 at 5:29 pm #

    Let me know if you locate a Chicken McNugget monger. I will settle for a BK hamburger (only ketchup) monger, too.

  7. kerbey June 24, 2013 at 11:12 pm #

    100% agree. I don’t get Mumford & Sons either. Go be sad and serious and Irish somewhere else. If were a skinny beeyotch like Gwyneth, I would not wear see through gowns or potato sacks or pink Ralph Lauren dresses with zero boob support, even for an A cup, missy. I can just see her eating macrobiotic meals with Madonna and talking about what organic juice to give her daughter, Apple. Apple? Moses? OMG. And OPRAH! We sung a song at church w/ the lyric, “What if we stopped asking Oprah what to do?” and the vocalist verily yelled it. Oprah’s minions were probably displeased. My hub and I can hardly tolerate Discovery or whatever it is nature show that Miss Winfrey narrates bc she says everything so smugly, as if she already knew exactly the gestational period for a wildebeest and the nocturnal habits of sloths and resents having to share this truth with the commoners. As if. It’s all old news to Oprah, she who knoweth all.

    • Amy June 26, 2013 at 12:38 pm #

      I love everything about this comment. 🙂

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