Interviewing Dating Sites

28 Mar


A VERY broad generalization of course  –


Thank you all for coming in. As you know,  you are here because I am looking for an online dating service. Please have a seat and I will call you in as soon as I can.

Before we start, let me dismiss Seeking Arrangement and Christian Mingle. Sorry,  one of you creeps me out and the other, well, you both creep me out quite honestly.

Also, Craigslist, I am not yet at the place in my life where I feel the need to use you.  Should I reach total and utter desperation, I will give you a call.

OKAY, Match, you’re up first.   You are the most persistent applicant, by far. I see you everywhere it seems.  I see by your resume that 15 million people use you. That is impressive! I will tell you, I used you before, and did not have any luck and in fact, found several of your members to be quite angry, especially the one who called me a bitch for referring to myself as independent.  After I fired you, you still emailed me claiming someone chose me. I understand this is something you do to try and entice former users to use you again. It did the opposite for me, so I’m going to have to decline your services.  No, I don’t want to just try you for 3 months.  No, I don’t want to communicate free for a day.  No, I don’t want to see my matches.  Stop begging for heaven’s sake! Have some dignity, man. Get out.

Hi, OK Cupid…interesting choice to show up in Spider-Man makeup and you look quite a bit younger than the age I had specified. Oh, the  men my age are all in the 25-35 room?  Okay, well let’s chat for a bit. Yes, I said hi and you said hi, so let’s move on.  Hey is just another way of saying hi, so…I see that you like…well, not much is filled out on your application, what do you like? Ah yes, living life to the fullest. Excellent. Listen, I think we’re just about done here. I will keep you on the back burner because I am nothing if not a total masochist, but more than likely, this is not going to work out. Thanks for being free though.

Next up, eHarmony. What? They left? They decided they didn’t want to work with me? Okay then.

OH wow…Plenty of Fish and YES, there are plenty of you, all pants-less and/or shirtless.   Let me see, looks like you filled  out your application in crayon and it smells faintly of what seems to be a mix of Hai Karate and beer.  Okay, well, thanks so much for coming in.  You all truly made me feel like the belle of the ball for a while,  or at the very least, the most popular gal at the VD clinic.

Only 7 more years and I can give Our Time a shot.

17 Responses to “Interviewing Dating Sites”

  1. donofalltrades March 28, 2013 at 12:49 am #

    Lol. Gosh, you’d think dating online would be more fun! Or is that only for people not looking for a stable relationship?

  2. The Philosophunculist March 28, 2013 at 12:50 am #

    Why not go old school and put a classified in the paper? Those are all the rage these days!

    • Amy March 28, 2013 at 12:54 am #

      So are handle bar mustaches, but I’m not jumping on that bandwagon. HA! Sorry new friend for the snark. Meh, I think I need a break from all of it. Thank you for reading though!

  3. Amy March 28, 2013 at 12:50 am #

    You know, I’m NOT looking to get married and I really want it to be fun. I DO DAMMIT, but it’s just…not fun…not right now. I think I need a break, and then I’ll try again.

  4. bensbitterblog March 28, 2013 at 12:51 am #

    It seems like they all really work well at making you bitter. Sounds like each is a great choice.

    • Amy March 28, 2013 at 12:52 am #

      Thank you grumpy cat 🙂

      • bensbitterblog March 28, 2013 at 1:12 am #

        You can also call me Tommy Lee Jones or any other bitter old or young man.

  5. Lucky Wreck March 28, 2013 at 1:24 am #

    I understand what you are saying about taking a break from internet dating! I actually met my boyfriend that way, but, I didn’t meet him until my third round of trying…with breaks of 1-2 years in between. It was exhausting! And, annoying, and…I couldn’t get away from it fast enough sometimes! I love the angle of interviewing the dating websites. Awesome! 🙂

    • Amy March 29, 2013 at 1:46 pm #

      It IS exhausting BUT, I’m in no real hurry. I am just amazed at a lot of aspects of online dating but I am still hopeful. Thank you for reading 🙂

  6. Dolores Bilges March 28, 2013 at 1:21 pm #

    You’ve nailed the nuances of each of these sites perfectly. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one having crappy experiences…though it’s not much consolation knowing that we all are.

    • Amy March 29, 2013 at 1:52 pm #

      Thanks for reading and yes, I know what you mean. At least it’s not just you though, or just me. Sadly I know several who have had or are having the same experiences, though I also know several who met the love of their life so who knows.

      I won’t give up yet. I will just keep finding humor in the situation and snarkily writing about it 🙂

  7. Grace March 28, 2013 at 2:11 pm #


    • Amy March 29, 2013 at 1:47 pm #

      Thank you and congratulations to you! xoxox

  8. davepiperno March 29, 2013 at 6:37 am #

    Very funny. For what it is worth I met the love of my life on and we are going strong. I am just glad that I didn’t know that I’d be in my late 30s before we met. Best of lick in your search and thanks for sharing it with us.

    • Amy March 29, 2013 at 1:48 pm #

      Thank you Dave. I am hearing from several people who met the love of their lives online,and my mom and her man met online, and they are very happy. I have not lost hope 🙂

  9. singleplusoneblog March 29, 2013 at 2:33 pm #

    Omigoodness, I’m just getting back into the dating scene too and the online thing is nuts! OkC is decent considering it’s free but Match is so obnoxious. I cancelled my account with them. I met my baby’s biodad on PoF so I’m pretty much over them. He’s left quite a bad taste in my mouth. Heard lots of good stuff about eHarmony but haven’t tried it yet. I think it all comes down to the people. One guy on OkC was flirty and fun over messaging for a little while, then got all turned off when he asked if I had stretch marks from my pregnancy and I said yes. Holy cow shallow! Good luck with your search!!!

    • Amy March 29, 2013 at 2:39 pm #

      I think it definitely comes down to the people,and of course different areas are different and whatnot.

      Yeah, I’ve been asked some ridiculous questions too, but that stretch mark one from that one guy of yours is INSANE! What the hell man!?

      Good luck in your search as well. Thanks for reading 🙂

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