It Was Probably Better Than That 50 Shades of Grey Book

21 Mar

My ex-husband and I had the pleasure of attending a conference with my son and his teachers this morning. I use the word “pleasure” with tongue firmly planted in cheek,  of course.  Even though we called for the conference, I don’t know any parents who enjoy conferences with the teachers of a child they know is not putting forth the effort they should, and this was no exception.

Although this was not something enjoyable, it was a necessity to show my son that we are all on his side and we have nothing but faith that he can do this. What is THIS? THIS means not only doing his homework, but turning it in after it is complete. Yes, the child will do the work, the hard part, and then not turn it in to get the credit. Sometimes he just won’t do the work, and honestly, THAT I understand more than doing work and not turning it in.

Even though we are in separate houses,  his dad and I talk every day and try very hard to parent from the same page, metaphorically speaking of course, though I have wished several times that each child came with a manual, but sadly, that is not the case.  I have gained on the job parenting experience though and learned that parenting is largely bobbing and weaving and bribing and threatening, and as my mom has often said, it’s also about picking battles.

My ex-husband received an email from one of our son’s teachers about an “incident” that happened in class yesterday. I immediately began to picture scenarios that would be absolutely the worst in my eyes including my child being a bully to someone, or being disrespectful to the teacher, because with all the issues we are having, his teachers refer to him as a great kid, which is awesome because he is, and we have not had behavior issues with him at school.

The boys are with their dad this week so when I called over to ask what the “incident” was his dad said he wanted him to tell me,which did nothing to ease my mind.  My child takes the phone and tells me that in school they were working on MAD LIBS (remember those? The silly stories that leave blanks for you to fill in. It will tell you whether to fill in with a noun, verb, etc. and at the end the story will be complete and funny) and he and his partner in crime used the word “penis” for noun, and “vaginas” for plural noun. Somehow I managed to not laugh and tell him what his dad told him, that it was inappropriate and there was a time and place for that kind of thing, so until and unless he is invited to join a fraternity anytime soon, this kind of thing is frowned upon in the education system, so kindly refrain.

Before you gasp with horror, my ex-husband and I have always taught the boys the correct terms for body parts. I have always found the whole “you can’t say the word vagina, but vajayjay is fine” mentality to be weird, though presumably if he had used the words “dong” and “hoo-has” there wouldn’t have been any “incident.” He did not get into trouble besides a stern talking-to and he did apologize to the teacher when she spoke to him about the fact that it was inappropriate and disruptive to class.

Even though the conference this morning was NOT pleasant, it was one of the first ones where I did not feel like I was in the hot seat.   I have the utmost respect for teachers,  but the question “is there anything going on at home?” to the parent of a child who is having any kind of issues might as well be worded “what are you doing to fuck up your child?”    I was not asked that question, and PENISGATE was not mentioned. The battles that we have chosen are agreed upon by all parties involved, and by golly, my kid will be triumphant.  At the VERY least, he will master the art of writing dirty Mad Libs. I am sure there is a market for that.


9 Responses to “It Was Probably Better Than That 50 Shades of Grey Book”

  1. Miss Molly March 21, 2013 at 8:03 pm #

    Amy, your humor and honesty are always wonderful…I immediately forwarded this to my daughter who is raising a son. Just so you know, no matter how hard we try, we never get it quite right and my daughter reminds me of this every now and then. My solution is to offer a blanket apology even though there’s always something that didn’t fit under the blanket. You sound like a terrific mom!!

    • Amy March 21, 2013 at 8:14 pm #

      Always happy to read your comments! Love the idea of a blanket apology. Thank you so much,and I hope your daughter likes it.At the very least maybe she can find some common ground.There is strength in knowing you’re not alone and that none of us know what the hell we’re doing 🙂

  2. donofalltrades March 21, 2013 at 8:12 pm #

    Um, penis and vaginas are totally nouns. I’m not seeing an “incident” here.

    • Amy March 21, 2013 at 8:15 pm #

      RIGHT? I know. BUT, I guess her point is that it made the rest of the class very giggly and it could get out of control quickly. She didn’t make a big deal out of it so I think we’re good. Thanks for reading 🙂

  3. muddledmom March 21, 2013 at 10:36 pm #

    I’m not sure I could have gotten through that conference without laughing myself. I got in trouble for that as a kid, not because I did it but because I watched while my friends did it and I was “old enough to know better.” Still makes me mad.

  4. datinginvegas March 22, 2013 at 6:25 am #

    That’s too funny! Boys are so very awkward at that age. Also, I I swear 9/10 friends I have with boys complain about the exact same thing! My 13 yr old used to do the work and just not turn it in. It’s nuts! Sometimes, he doesn’t do the work (which like you, I can understand better than doing it and not turning it in-derr.) Sounds like he’s a good kid and he just needs to know its serious.Good luck to you Mom!

  5. JokerSATX March 22, 2013 at 5:57 pm #

    I sincerely hope you saved that Mad Libs. You could probably auction it off on Ebay and never have to work again with the money that would bring you.

  6. adignorantium March 25, 2013 at 4:58 pm #

    “Yes, the child will do the work, the hard part, and then not turn it in to get the credit.”

    I’m so glad I wasn’t the only kid to do that. 🙂

    • Amy March 25, 2013 at 5:58 pm #

      I am actually THRILLED to read of an adult who did that. Gives me hope 🙂 Thanks for reading. I just started reading your blog and I am really enjoying it.

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