An Open Letter to my Dog

13 Mar


I cannot believe we have had you for almost 3 years. You have turned out to be a delightful addition to the family. Granted, I was a little hesitant at first because of your somewhat questionable background and parentage, but you have been a true case for nurture over nature because you are so very sweet yet you LOOK kind of scary so you are perfect.

I just wanted to go over a couple of things, more as reminders really.

  • My bed is a queen sized bed. There is more than enough room for you and I both to sleep in it, without your ass being in my face throughout the night.
  • You are not a little puppy anymore. Please keep that in mind when you are crawling all over us on the couch. You are big and heavy.
  • Traditionally when playing catch the catcher brings the item that has been caught back to the thrower, and deposits it before them.  Anything else is not catch; it is tug-o-war.
  • HEY, you have discovered your penis!  Good for you. I am no prude but maybe we could set aside a time and place for self-discovery that is not in the middle of the kitchen while we are eating dinner.
  • That big box filled with a gravely like substance does not contain special chewy surprises for you.  That is cat poop. Please don’t eat it and if you MUST, please don’t feel the need to remove it from the box and eat it in the living room.
  • The space outside the home you live is called outside. That is where you  pee and poop and leap through the grass like a gazelle. It is not, however, Stick-Mart. It does not exist for you to choose which stick you will bring inside and chew and leave remnants all over the house.
  • You are not a goat. You are a dog.  Toilet paper, toilet paper rolls, razor blades, q-tips, and plastic yogurt containers are not food.
  • Sometimes the answer to ‘who farted’ is not you. I’m sorry you get the blame most of the time.
  • The cat is a member of the family too. He is not there solely for your entertainment, and I am sure he will continue to remind you as well, though my way is less painful than skewering you with razor sharp claws.
  • I don’t like to sleep in the wet spot. If you INSIST on licking the sheet then you have to sleep on it.

I hope you’ll be around for many more years. You are the smartest dumb dog ever and we all love you.

11 Responses to “An Open Letter to my Dog”

  1. Peter March 13, 2013 at 2:41 pm #

    Our cat, adopted from the humane society, also has full family status. Which is the way it should be. Can’t think if anyone else though, that I would put up with that threw up semi-regularly in the house. But Wally gets away with it.

    • Amy March 14, 2013 at 3:51 pm #

      Our cat, Poor Snowflake, is a part of the family too.I just never write about him because he really doesn’t do much.He is very sweet though 🙂

  2. Good Golly Miss Molly March 13, 2013 at 4:00 pm #

    Absolutely hilarious! You’re the best…

    • Amy March 14, 2013 at 3:51 pm #

      So glad you liked it and think so! 🙂 Thanks for reading

  3. MissFourEyes March 13, 2013 at 6:06 pm #

    Haha! LOVE this post! I can so relate, my dog does so many of those

    • Amy March 14, 2013 at 3:52 pm #

      Thank you! I thought of more so there may have to be a part two. Thanks for reading 🙂

  4. Help Me Help Holly ♥ March 21, 2013 at 7:33 am #

    Love it! 😀 Read these out to my husband and we were both cracking up!

    • Amy March 21, 2013 at 4:54 pm #

      Glad you liked it! Thanks for reading 🙂

  5. ParentingIsFunny April 3, 2013 at 7:38 pm #

    Cute! Thanks for reminding me why we don’t have pets. Dealing with humans is sometimes hard enough. That “who farted” one especially cracked me up!

    • Amy April 4, 2013 at 2:42 am #

      Thanks for reading 🙂 He is a character…that is for sure. I never thought I would be a “dog person” but in spite of all those things on that list, I kind of am.

  6. Anna Lea West April 11, 2013 at 1:26 pm #

    #3 cracked me UP 🙂

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