So Long Suckers

21 Feb
Something I have learned about online dating is that not only is it okay to not answer every message I receive (and I have had that confirmed by the book I’m reading now called, Online Dating Sucks…But It’s How I Fell in Love, more on that soon), but it is imperative that I do not because at this point I would rather hear a friend talk about their eye surgery and the shaving of their cornea than engage in inane banter with someone that I don’t really feel like talking to. I am not at the point where I feel like I should deactivate my OKCupid profile again but if I answered every  guy who messaged “yo” or the one who wrote “CUTE LADY AND THOGH WE DONT NOT HAVE MUCH IN COMMIN I WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO YOU” – actual cut and paste message – I will not only want to deactivate, I will want to burn my computer to the ground.

I don’t know if it is apparent, but I’m rather skittish when it comes to dating at this point. I get spooked if I start to feel smothered, and I start to feel that pretty much after the initial email. Might be a slight exaggeration, but honestly, if I get a whiff of desperation or neediness, I bolt. Fast.  Psychoanalyze all you want. I’m an open book. It’s just the way it is right now.

OKCupid is set up so that other uses can see when you are online and also alerts them when you visit their profile, unless you pay the extra money to be a premium member. At one point I did that but I have not renewed so I don’t have it anymore and here we are.

About a week or so ago I received a message from a man who is 59. I am 43.  This age difference is not totally crazy in my opinion, though on the site my cutoff is 55. However, I am trying very hard to look beyond age, especially if the profile is interesting to me. Having said that, his profile just wasn’t. I get it, filling out these profiles is not fun, unless you’re starved for attention and like talking about yourself. Needless to say I kind of liked doing mine. I just need more from somebody than one word answers to every question or every answer peppered with a lot of “LOL’s.” For instance, the question “what are you doing with your life?”,  should never be answered “I don’t know. Living it!  LOL.”  I mean it CAN be, but I don’t know anybody who would read that and think “oh my goodness…what a clever answer. This man must be mine” or even “I think I’ll answer his ‘yo’ message because he is obviously living his life and LOL’ing and that’s pretty much all I need.”  I take that back, SOMEBODY might, and that is fine. I just won’t. Ever.

The message I received from the 59 year old in question was “hey pretty lady.” I like a compliment just as much as the next person and I’ll be honest, this message coupled with an interesting profile might have prompted a response, but it didn’t. After receiving his message, I have not spent a lot of time on the site, though I do go on and check out profiles of anybody who sends me a message. I have received two messages since receiving his and both times I have been on the site he INSTANTLY sent me a message asking how I was doing.  I can only imagine him sitting in a darkened room wearing his bathrobe over his boxer shorts just waiting for “online now”to show up on the profiles of those he sent those “hey pretty lady” messages to. It is probably not accurate, but it is quite the visual.
Something else OKCupid does is alert you when an OKCupid user is “nearby.”  I have yet to figure out why this is a good idea.  While I’m lost in a Home Depot, I don’t need to be alerted that “Hot4YoU69” is close by unless he can tell me where the hell to find an electric screwdriver.  Anyway, last night my phone, which has the OKCupid app installed, dinged and alerted me that someone was close by. Usually, I just read the message and clear it because ain’t nobody got time for that. Last night, however, in a comedy of errors that involved my Vienna sausage fingers and tiny buttons on my phone coupled with frustration for not being able to locate an electric screwdriver, I accidentally clicked on the profile of the 59 year old. What happened next is terrifying. I immediately received a message saying “thanks for dropping by my profile pretty lady. I have been waiting.”  No joke.  I HAVE BEEN WAITING.  So, I’ll be dropping out of site and entering the witness protection program, or at the very least,  deleting the OKCupid app from my phone.

7 Responses to “So Long Suckers”

  1. thinkrainbows February 22, 2013 at 12:01 am #

    great write up! i have had awful luck with online dating as well…i may join you in the witness protection program.

    i recently wrote about my online dating experiences; let me know if you can relate!

    • Amy February 22, 2013 at 12:59 am #

      I read yours and loved it. I could absolutely relate! I think we have the right attitude though. I commented on your post too.

      Thanks for reading 🙂

  2. charlottecarrendar February 22, 2013 at 2:06 am #

    lol oh boy, can I relate to this! Had the worst experiences you can imagine, but that’s the Internet for you. All I can say is “Run Rabbit Run.”

    • Amy February 22, 2013 at 2:45 am #

      It is rather sad how many of us can relate. Oh well, like you said, that’s the internet for you. “Run Rabbit Run” indeed!

      Thanks for reading! Sorry you could relate.

  3. bensbitterblog February 22, 2013 at 6:03 am #

    People that stalk me make me bitter. Luckily being bitter prevents people from ever wanting to stalk me.

  4. datinginvegas February 22, 2013 at 6:49 am #

    Hey Pretty Lady! Now I want to include an LOL too but I fear your judgement. Block and delete … oh and i’d get rid of the creepy phone app too. I would not want them to know where I am…unfortunately I can relate too

    • Amy February 25, 2013 at 5:33 pm #

      HA! I use LOL….just not as liberally as some of these guys. You know how it goes. SIGH.

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