Let’s Talk About Sex

22 Jun

Incredibly, most of my knowledge about sex came from watching The Golden Girls, 16 Candles, and Saturday Night Fever. I remember my parents going to the theater to see Saturday Night Fever and when they came home I asked them if I could see it too. My dad said yes, sure and my mom said no, then whispered to my dad ‘the backseat scene’. I squirreled that information away until I was old enough to watch the movie on my own and was very disappointed in the forbidden ‘backseat scene’, but I did learn that no guy would respect me if I was a bad dancer.

When I asked my mom about sex she sat down with me and a giant stack of encyclopedias and had the most awkward and clinical sex talk ever that started ‘when a man loves a woman very much’ and ended with ‘I’d rather you do it in my house than sneak off and do it’. Actually, that last bit might have been about drinking alcohol.  Honestly, I dozed off right after ‘when a man loves a woman very much’ because BOOOORING.

However, there were a lot of tidbits of advice that my mom gave me that I DO remember.  She told me to marry an orphan because my dad’s mom was an evil woman who made my mom’s life a living hell. She also told me she read an article that said that women who didn’t fight back during a sexual assault were hurt less than those who did. She told me bullshit. Fight like hell.

This turned out to be about my mom more than about sex. Gross. Two words I don’t want to see in a sentence together, mom and sex. Now that I AM a mom I already find myself gearing up to talk to my boys about sex and no, I don’t think it will be easier to have boys when they become sexually active just because they won’t be the ones getting pregnant. It takes two. They wouldn’t be carrying the baby themselves, but they damn sure would be CARRYING THE BABY in every way other than internally.

When my now 11 year old was 10 years old asked me if I owned a ‘buzzer’ and told me that he saw one when he was in Walgreen’s with my mother. I got out of him that he meant vibrator and that he didn’t see one, he heard about one from one of his friends. That’s the silent enemy. Misinformation that my children will hear from their schoolyard friends.  After I showed him mine he felt much more awkward about the whole thing and I felt like my job as a mom was done. I’m KIDDING! I didn’t show him mine and I never copped to owning one but I did tell him that there was nothing wrong with it and tried to have the whole ‘touch yourself all you want, it belongs to you, but it’s private space and you can’t do it in public’ speech. It’s just so hard as a parent to know if I am giving them a healthy attitude about sex or if I might as well buy them little trench coats and support their perversions.

I guess what we’ve learned here is that I am screwed. I don’t even OWN encyclopedias BUT in this age of the internet I don’t need them in order to have a well-informed clinical discussion with my children. Maybe I’ll ask my mom to do it. It should be amusing if nothing else.

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